Dedicating this post(more like a long long message) to a very special and important friend of mine who really went through thick and thin together with me just to maintain our friendship. I will never forget how our friendship started (even though I forget when it started hahahaha!) it all started on Twitter and because of the drama, InTimeWithYou aka 我可能不会爱你, that we started talking, how unique is that. Hahaha

We went through lots of unpleasant quarrel, more like cold war, with each other, but I am glad we always manage to talk things out after every 'cold war' but one thing I don't like, is through text, everytime. Ok not really everytime, except for that one time. Somehow I find that our friendship has grown stronger. It's because of all this cold war and talking things out, makes me treasure you and our friendship even more. Cause I believe, despite so many cold wars, our friendship can still be so close and strong, it means something. God must be telling us don't ever lose each other in our life. God bring us together for a reason. (Hey! I am not Christian but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God ;) hahahahaha!) and you are my very first friend that happen such thing with me. I know I say this a lot of time liao. Hahaha. It's not really a good thing for such thing to happen but it always end with a happy ending, so it's kind of a good memorable memories. Hahaha!

I just want to thank you for everything you have did for me. Thanks for understanding me and tolerating my bad temper towards you. I am sorry for hurting and disappointing you time and time again. I feel damn guilty for making you cry too. I am not sure if you have read all my posts but ya I did think of ending this friendship a lot of times before and I mention a few times in my previous few posts too. yes it's stupid of me to think that way after what we have gone through together. But please bear with me cause even i myself have no idea when I will start getting piss again and start thinking of ending it again. I am trying my best to control my temper and thoughts now, especially towards you. I am sorry for that. :( 

I hope you are not uncomfortable with what I am going to say after this. So here it goes. Reason why I easily get angry by you, maybe is cause I like you, then I expect more from you compare to the rest. But that's unfair to you. But yeah, I trying my best to let go of my feelings towards you ah. But like I said, during this period of time, sometime I might start ignoring or avoiding you. Please give me more time, I really dk how long it will takes, definitely not days or weeks, it will most probably be months and maybe even years. But it's easy to cool me down, just come and talk to me or text me. Hahaha Aiya I say before le mah. I damn easily feel insecure but I also damn easily feel secure right after you all talk to me hahaha lame right, me!😂 

if you are uncomfortable or sad or disappointed or anything with any of my action towards you, like you feel uncomfortable with me hugging you, please tell me. I dw you to keep it to yourself just cause you scared I will get hurt with what you gonna say. It's alright one, I can take it one. :) so ya! I wanna thank you for being ok with me despite you know that I like you. Gamsia!!!🙆

There might be something you all didn't know. But I am just gonna say it anyway, don't be surprise. Basically you guys are kind of like my life saver. Cause I did think of ending my life before, like I even planned it out before. That's why that time on Whatsapp chat I got ask before something like 'if I die, what would you all do'. Cause I have been struggling with family, friends and my coming out story to my family. I am afraid they can't accept me, I am afraid I won't be able to find my that special one (yes I sound despo to get into a r/s, don't judge me). I feel stress sometime with my parents, especially with my dad, that's why I didn't like going home. Well recently I just rage at my dad and say stop making me so stress. Hahaha I have no idea how I got that courage. What makes me stop the idea of ending my life, is you guys, my dear friends, who I never want to let go of in my life. Thank you! So ya, a lot of things going on. Maybe that's why my temper become worst this year.

So if you ever wonder if one day I will end our friendship, I don't think it will ever happen, cause I have no courage to lose you even as a friend. Losing you is like losing part of me, sometime you know me better than I know myself too. I need you in my life.(ok it sound cheesy >< hahaha) it's really a long naggy post so gonna stop here and thanks for taking the time to read it. I Love You! 我miss你! I am grateful to have you in my life.

Wearing a mask is not easy. Controlling is hard. I don't want to show my sad and piss off side, cause it's no use, it doesn't make a difference. Inside hurting like shit, outside happy go lucky. How pathetic my life is. Control my anger to not cry is like choking myself to near death. What's the point of crying, showing ppl I am useless piece of shit, that know nothing, only know how to cry. People might pity me for like a few days, after that find me annoying piece of shit. So it's best to stop. 

Since i can't perform, why am I still staying in voices? For what? For them? Or for at least her? Why? I can't even spend time with them since they so busy. I have no guts to stay with them when they practicing too, since I am so useless that I might teared when I hear them sing cause I am piss that I got left out when we promise to perform together.

Yes I feel left out! Yes I feel someone has taken over me! Yes I feel that I am not important to them anymore. Yes I feel that they doesnt care for me anymore. Wait they have never really care for me before unless someone or at least me, told them what I going through and I need them. I hardly see them auto come comfort me when they saw or know I am emo. Or maybe never. its easy to cheer me up, just come and find me and give me a tight hug and don't let go. its ok if you all dk how to comfort me. I just need the sense of security and know you all are always there for me, or at least you. I dk. I just feel insecure in this friendship. I alr give up hoping for that to happen. Yes I am piss that I am not treated fairly. Yes I am jealous that they can perform and i have no song. Yes I am sick of being backing. 

After all this years of commitment, what do I get? 2 freaking rotating lead which only get like 1/5 of lead. and that bastard still dare compare me with other year 3 when I join in year 1 while he join in year 2, I got rotating lead while he got one full song for duet, then say he deserve to have lead more than me. is this even fair to me. just to be clear, I am not mad at other year 3, cause he really deserve a lead, but I don't see why he deserve more than me, I am just piss with how the bastard do things to ruin the voices bond. but at the end none of us got lead. he got replace by freshie for his lead. Yes I want to perform with them badly. I just want fairness among everyone. Yes i feel damn fucking unfair if I am to do backing for freshie, cause you never know, they might be the next few who got lead then zao and never come back. So commitment over quality rule is bullshit. Just cause they are lead quality doesn't mean they can be thrown a lead and not focus on their backing when some of their backing is still cmi. And don't say priorities for senior when there is like more than half of the lead is freshie. It's hard to reject when freshie ask me to do their backing cause I dw to bring the issues I have towards them in voices to the personal friendship I had with all the freshies. I dk how to reject it without hurting them too. 

I have never feel so fucking shitty before in my life. I have never want to fucking cry so many times in such a short period of time before. NEVER! I am so fucking weak now, compared to last time. 

And yes I think I have given up trying to fight my lead or rotating lead or anything to do with prelude. No use fighting when there is no song that fit my voice currently, no one that I want to perform with cause all of them got song alr, no song that I can sing nicely, when I can't sing with emotion or sing with diction that at least everyone can accept it. 

I am piss with myself too for not able to control my anger towards her even though we talk things out 2 times alr and she apologizes to me too and she feel Wei nan too. Why can't I just let it go? I keep having the plan to end this friendship. Why? Am I really not that strong enough to keep this friendship. Am I really that fucking weak! Am I another bastard who break the promise too, when I alr promise her I won't leave her life? I don't want to hurt her. 

Basically I am useless. Can't even give myself happiness, how to give others happiness? 

Shall stop here before I really break down Infront of my parent.