Why have I become like that? Why have I become so emotional. Why is my temper back again. I told myself I am not gonna hurt her again. But I did it again. I try to control but I fail. Whenever I piss off I try to walk away quietly but this makes me treat her coldly and she can sense it then she will start feeling sad I guess. Past few days all I think about was what I did to her and I feel guilty for it. It's the first time I actually cry with anger and disappointment. The tears just uncontrollably flow down. I have never been like that. Yes I cry for other ppl before but it's not as worst as this. I hate who I have become. I thought avoiding and ignoring might help, but no, it got worst. I have fallen deeper, way too deep.   And all I can think of now is leave and disappear for a period of time. And just nice now is intern, I can take this period of time to settle myself down. I wish I could tell her all the truth. But I just don't have the courage. I want to leave and forget this feeling but I scared it will ruin the friendship and scared it will never be the same when I come back. And when I say leave is really forget everything over here which Include not performing for prelude. Cause if I perform I only want to perform with her and a few of them. But if I continue to stay where I am now, things might get worst or maybe I might even ruin this friendship forever. Throughout my whole life, I have never want to lose someone so badly before. I know what I am doing now is causing her trouble. I am sorry for that. So leaving will be the best choice for now. I know I promise I won't leave your life before but I am sorry I have to break the promise for a period of time. I don't want to hurt anymore people. People who know this problem is most probably sick of it, even myself. It's for the best. I type so much but do I have to courage to tell her? do I have to courage to lose her for this period of time. How am I gonna tell her? 

So opposite of what happen for the past few days happen today. Is like she know that I am jealous of them. Is like someone told her about it or maybe she can sense it. Or maybe she read my blog. 😱 which I doubt so bah. I just find it weird. Is like the moment she enter classroom, not long later, she ask me if I want to play the computer games with her, which normally when they play, I was alone at the side cause I was quite piss off until I don't bother joining them. But I need study so I say no, Then say later then play. Then she say 'I study with you' then I am like study with me? Then she say 'I go sit beside you, sit alone like so lonely'. Around like that lah. I forget what she say exactly. And she really move beside me. I was quite shock about it but of course I can't deny the fact that I am happy what had just happen. But it's really too weird. Like a sudden attitude change towards me. Ok maybe that's not call attitude. I forget what's that call. And I have no idea why we today like seems a lot more closer than the past few days. We spend like almost 2 hours I guess, on watching YouTube videos. Suppose to study but since we done with what we suppose to study today, so ya lepak time. Hahaha 

I was quite happy today. Cause of how she treated me. But I still cannot control my jealousy when I see her and the guys so close. I try. I just don't like how one of them like care for her so much. Is like too overly care. Like treating her like girlfriend like that. I don't like how he talks to her. I feel like he is flirting her. But then again that's him, maybe that is just him, that's how he treat his friend. And also don't forget he like her too, so confirm will care for her more than other friends one. So what can I do. Nothing. She is not mine, I have no rights to do anything at all. What I have to do is, get rid of my feelings for her. I need to stop being so overly jealous. It's killing me and might trouble my friends too. I want to put this to an end but at the same time keep this important friendship. This is really hard. But I believe one day, I will overcome this. I am really afraid to lose her in my life even as a friend. 

Now is study week and I have never thought that studying with Ohana in sch will be so much productive than me studying alone at home. Cause studying at home, mum will be on tv which will most probably distract me. And in sch when I saw all of them so hardcore studying, I somehow got the feel to study too. And that's how productive I have been the past 3 days. So the pass 2 days we have been meeting earlier than usual school time to meet for breakfast. Mon only meet for lunch, tues meet for Mac breakfast at 7am, and wed which is today, meet for breakfast at munch at 8am plus. Honestly I was quite surprise with myself. Cause I normally will late for class even though my class is at 9am. But meeting them in the morning kind of motivate me to wake up and be on time. Tues morning I even wake up earlier than the alarm clock. Wow! Ohana must be so important to me, that I feel so motivated to wake up early and study with them. 

So things happen this 2 days. My overly jealousy is killing me again. I hate how close she is with the 2 of them. Is like she seem more close to them than to me. But people always say she closer to me  than the rest. But that's not what I see. I hate how she private message them individually. I hate how she seems more happy when playing with them. I hate how she seems to have more fun when with them. So during this 2 days of studying, they have so much fun playing some computer games and I have to tolerate it at the side. If you know me well, you will know that I hate noisy place when I am in a bad mood. So is like they were having so much fun and of course will start screaming all this lah, it's really irritated me. Then I really almost break down, actually alr break down, cause got tears flowing down due to my stupid over jealousy. I just went out of the classroom to cool down. Tues I went out for like 30mins? And wed(today) I went out for more than 1 hours. Cause I really cannot. I am really boiling. I actually walk like one round around munch block and one round around BLK 56. Then stand at the pond near BLK 56, watching the tortoise and fishes. Somehow it kind of calm me down. Surprisingly. Then I am like why can't I be like those fishes so carefree, swimming around like no one business. So I manage to walk in with a calm down mind. But not long I piss off again. Cause he is sitting one seats away fr her when he actually nt sitting there. I am like. Why cant u go back sit. I know u like her lah. But why must u sit beside her. WHY! But luckily, one of my group chat convo and Yimin and Siew chat is very funny so it kind of make me smile and laugh a little. So once again I calm down. So ya... This is what actually kind of happen.

I don't blame anyone I have mention for this. I blame myself. Cause like very stupid. Is like it's been so long, nothing is done to it, then I myself suffer silently there. I know it's my own problem and I clearly know I am avoiding this problem. I run away from it instead of trying to solve it. But the problem is how to solve? Talk things out with her? Which will most probably affect our friendship. And I know a lot of ppl is getting annoyed by my problem, well yeah it's obv enough cause I was annoyed by it too. So ya I choose to run away fr this problem and suffer alone by myself. I don't want pull anyone in. At most I will only complain to Yimin and siew about it. That's all. But somehow this problem must be solve. So I have decided I shall use my intern period to have some reflection on this matter since I will hardly meet any of them, which might be a good thing. Hopefully I will solve this problem ASAP.

So someone told me not to care about her. Totally just treat her as normal friend. But I cannot cause I clearly know that if I don't care about her, I will most probably ignore her. Like really ignore, which will most probably put an end to this friendship. But both of us doesn't want to lose each other, cause we have talk about it before. We were afraid of losing each other. Yes maybe that's why ppl say we two seems very close. But what I feel is that, why she treat me differently compare to the rest. Like I am not important like that. Then sometime her action to me is like I got chance. But no I don't have. :/ stop having this stupid hope! haize... Ok I rant enough for the day. Even though after ranting I didn't really calm down, but still thanks blog! :)