I'm glad I have stop crying and tearing over it. Ok not exactly totally stop. Like it's been 2 days since I stop crying during bath and crying myself to sleep, cause those two are the only time when I can cry with ease without anyone knowing. But that doesn't mean I am over it. But I have no idea why I stop. And I start to wonder is it cause I have no more tears or is it cause I have no idea how to cry anymore or I have immune to it!? Many reasons just start forming... But I don't think so leh. Like cause sometime when I watch show or anything that reminds me of you or losing you, I instance teared. It's a mystery. But I am definitely sure I am not over it cause now I have come a stage where I start wondering a lot of things and start thinking of all the things I wanted to ask you and tell you and chat with you. I start wondering...

How are you? 

What are you doing right now?

Hope you are coping well in your filming, projects and assignments

Are you happy? 

I miss you...

Every seconds...

But I don't dare to tell you all this for the time being. And one day if I ever break my promise to you and end it, forgive me. I'm sorry for not being able to keep that one simple promise. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to accept it. But apologizing has become useless after using it for so many times. 

I'm sick of acting 

I'm sick of wearing a mask

I'm tired of faking smile 

Ever since that day, I have been like this. 

I don't even know what am I exactly feeling anymore.

I don't know if my smile and laughter is real or fake

I have no idea if I've ever felt happy for the past 1 month

I don't even know when am I acting and when am I not

For no reason, my emotions can just change within 1 second

I'm sad

I'm disappointed

I'm scared

I'm afraid of losing you 

I'm lost

I feel lonely 

I feel left out 

I feel like no one cares anymore

I feel trap 

I overthink

I came up with lots of scary storyline that might happen. 

Even though it's kind of drama and unrealistic. 

I become more sensitive 

I become more emotional 

I become more mature and childish at the same time

I'm not strong anymore. 

I've become very weak to handle any feeling stuff

I've change to someone I don't know 

I've change to a complete different person I use to be 3 years ago

I've been thinking 

When will Grim Reaper take me away

What has God prepare for me?

Where will I end up at the end of my life?

Who and why am I living for?

How will my life end?

Are all those things worth it?

And yes I've been thinking about that thing again when I told myself not to. 

Both decisions are torture to me

I've no longer know what is the right things to do 

Ive no longer know what is happiness 

Dedicating this post(more like a long long message) to a very special and important friend of mine who really went through thick and thin together with me just to maintain our friendship. I will never forget how our friendship started (even though I forget when it started hahahaha!) it all started on Twitter and because of the drama, InTimeWithYou aka 我可能不会爱你, that we started talking, how unique is that. Hahaha

We went through lots of unpleasant quarrel, more like cold war, with each other, but I am glad we always manage to talk things out after every 'cold war' but one thing I don't like, is through text, everytime. Ok not really everytime, except for that one time. Somehow I find that our friendship has grown stronger. It's because of all this cold war and talking things out, makes me treasure you and our friendship even more. Cause I believe, despite so many cold wars, our friendship can still be so close and strong, it means something. God must be telling us don't ever lose each other in our life. God bring us together for a reason. (Hey! I am not Christian but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God ;) hahahahaha!) and you are my very first friend that happen such thing with me. I know I say this a lot of time liao. Hahaha. It's not really a good thing for such thing to happen but it always end with a happy ending, so it's kind of a good memorable memories. Hahaha!

I just want to thank you for everything you have did for me. Thanks for understanding me and tolerating my bad temper towards you. I am sorry for hurting and disappointing you time and time again. I feel damn guilty for making you cry too. I am not sure if you have read all my posts but ya I did think of ending this friendship a lot of times before and I mention a few times in my previous few posts too. yes it's stupid of me to think that way after what we have gone through together. But please bear with me cause even i myself have no idea when I will start getting piss again and start thinking of ending it again. I am trying my best to control my temper and thoughts now, especially towards you. I am sorry for that. :( 

I hope you are not uncomfortable with what I am going to say after this. So here it goes. Reason why I easily get angry by you, maybe is cause I like you, then I expect more from you compare to the rest. But that's unfair to you. But yeah, I trying my best to let go of my feelings towards you ah. But like I said, during this period of time, sometime I might start ignoring or avoiding you. Please give me more time, I really dk how long it will takes, definitely not days or weeks, it will most probably be months and maybe even years. But it's easy to cool me down, just come and talk to me or text me. Hahaha Aiya I say before le mah. I damn easily feel insecure but I also damn easily feel secure right after you all talk to me hahaha lame right, me!😂 

if you are uncomfortable or sad or disappointed or anything with any of my action towards you, like you feel uncomfortable with me hugging you, please tell me. I dw you to keep it to yourself just cause you scared I will get hurt with what you gonna say. It's alright one, I can take it one. :) so ya! I wanna thank you for being ok with me despite you know that I like you. Gamsia!!!🙆

There might be something you all didn't know. But I am just gonna say it anyway, don't be surprise. Basically you guys are kind of like my life saver. Cause I did think of ending my life before, like I even planned it out before. That's why that time on Whatsapp chat I got ask before something like 'if I die, what would you all do'. Cause I have been struggling with family, friends and my coming out story to my family. I am afraid they can't accept me, I am afraid I won't be able to find my that special one (yes I sound despo to get into a r/s, don't judge me). I feel stress sometime with my parents, especially with my dad, that's why I didn't like going home. Well recently I just rage at my dad and say stop making me so stress. Hahaha I have no idea how I got that courage. What makes me stop the idea of ending my life, is you guys, my dear friends, who I never want to let go of in my life. Thank you! So ya, a lot of things going on. Maybe that's why my temper become worst this year.

So if you ever wonder if one day I will end our friendship, I don't think it will ever happen, cause I have no courage to lose you even as a friend. Losing you is like losing part of me, sometime you know me better than I know myself too. I need you in my life.(ok it sound cheesy >< hahaha) it's really a long naggy post so gonna stop here and thanks for taking the time to read it. I Love You! 我miss你! I am grateful to have you in my life.

Wearing a mask is not easy. Controlling is hard. I don't want to show my sad and piss off side, cause it's no use, it doesn't make a difference. Inside hurting like shit, outside happy go lucky. How pathetic my life is. Control my anger to not cry is like choking myself to near death. What's the point of crying, showing ppl I am useless piece of shit, that know nothing, only know how to cry. People might pity me for like a few days, after that find me annoying piece of shit. So it's best to stop. 

Since i can't perform, why am I still staying in voices? For what? For them? Or for at least her? Why? I can't even spend time with them since they so busy. I have no guts to stay with them when they practicing too, since I am so useless that I might teared when I hear them sing cause I am piss that I got left out when we promise to perform together.

Yes I feel left out! Yes I feel someone has taken over me! Yes I feel that I am not important to them anymore. Yes I feel that they doesnt care for me anymore. Wait they have never really care for me before unless someone or at least me, told them what I going through and I need them. I hardly see them auto come comfort me when they saw or know I am emo. Or maybe never. its easy to cheer me up, just come and find me and give me a tight hug and don't let go. its ok if you all dk how to comfort me. I just need the sense of security and know you all are always there for me, or at least you. I dk. I just feel insecure in this friendship. I alr give up hoping for that to happen. Yes I am piss that I am not treated fairly. Yes I am jealous that they can perform and i have no song. Yes I am sick of being backing. 

After all this years of commitment, what do I get? 2 freaking rotating lead which only get like 1/5 of lead. and that bastard still dare compare me with other year 3 when I join in year 1 while he join in year 2, I got rotating lead while he got one full song for duet, then say he deserve to have lead more than me. is this even fair to me. just to be clear, I am not mad at other year 3, cause he really deserve a lead, but I don't see why he deserve more than me, I am just piss with how the bastard do things to ruin the voices bond. but at the end none of us got lead. he got replace by freshie for his lead. Yes I want to perform with them badly. I just want fairness among everyone. Yes i feel damn fucking unfair if I am to do backing for freshie, cause you never know, they might be the next few who got lead then zao and never come back. So commitment over quality rule is bullshit. Just cause they are lead quality doesn't mean they can be thrown a lead and not focus on their backing when some of their backing is still cmi. And don't say priorities for senior when there is like more than half of the lead is freshie. It's hard to reject when freshie ask me to do their backing cause I dw to bring the issues I have towards them in voices to the personal friendship I had with all the freshies. I dk how to reject it without hurting them too. 

I have never feel so fucking shitty before in my life. I have never want to fucking cry so many times in such a short period of time before. NEVER! I am so fucking weak now, compared to last time. 

And yes I think I have given up trying to fight my lead or rotating lead or anything to do with prelude. No use fighting when there is no song that fit my voice currently, no one that I want to perform with cause all of them got song alr, no song that I can sing nicely, when I can't sing with emotion or sing with diction that at least everyone can accept it. 

I am piss with myself too for not able to control my anger towards her even though we talk things out 2 times alr and she apologizes to me too and she feel Wei nan too. Why can't I just let it go? I keep having the plan to end this friendship. Why? Am I really not that strong enough to keep this friendship. Am I really that fucking weak! Am I another bastard who break the promise too, when I alr promise her I won't leave her life? I don't want to hurt her. 

Basically I am useless. Can't even give myself happiness, how to give others happiness? 

Shall stop here before I really break down Infront of my parent.

So what is my newly obsession that I mention in my previous post? If you follow me on twitter and instagram, you will most probably know who is my newly obsession. Wait! Is it even a newly obsession? Cause like I have never really been so obsess with someone before. Maybe lauren but that's not really an obsession to me. So anyway, my obsession now is............... KRYSTAL JUNG SOO JUNG!!!😍😍😍 yes! I am freaking in love with her. I totally love her personalities once I start watching Jessica and Krystal show. And that's when I realized she is pretty too, but that didn't really catch my attention previously. I actually saw her on tv before but I didn't realized how beautiful she is. So that's when I realized I will only fall for a person through their personalities nia and not the look. Like the person I like now, I starting didn't even notice her. I only start have feeling for her when we got closer and her personalities is the one that caught my attention then I will start realized how beautiful she is.

Anyway the main thing I want talk about today is SOOJUNG AH! Hehehehe! Is like she have a mixture of cool, cute, sexy, hot and shy style. Is like she got everything. She was in a kpop group call f(x) but honestly I don't really like the group cause their song is not my style, I only like Krystal. >< I like their dance move though. and she is 11 months and 16 days older than me. We have the same height and both of us don't really like the colour pink too. And both of us have those tomboyish style. Hahaha! I actually went to look up on her profile and realized we have quite a lot of things in common. :) 

What really caught my attention is I saw my previous crush in her. Is like the way they act sometime is really similar. Especially the part when their face have no expression then someone suddenly ask them a question then their reaction is those shy shy reaction like using their hair to block their face. Which is really cute to be honest. But I am not saying that I still have feelings for her. Just I feel that she is actually my first love even though I like someone before that. She is someone I would never forget I guess. Like the feelings I had for her. Both of them give me a feel that they need someone that they can really rely on and love them for who they are. And ya I am a person who love it when i know someone want to rely on me and need me in their life. 

Tbh I sometime feel that I really have feelings for Krystal like I get jealous quite easily when ppl pair her up with other ppl or she like very close to other ppl. Hahahaha quite stupid ah. She doesn't even know me.😂 then when she cry, all I want was to be the one there for her and hug her and comfort her. Ok but all this thing are too far. Like pls! Me and Krystal will never happen. Hahahaha basically she is just gorgeous. I don't even think I will stop falling in love with her. And and and I damn angry when ppl say negative things about her. Like recently I came across an article they say she is rude. Like walao. No she isn't! Is just that she is still young and when you are tired of course you will give those disinterested face. U can't just anyhow say she is rude! You guys are too much!😡

So recently I have been thinking, why am I suddenly so obsess with someone which I never did before. Like this is quite weird. And I start to think, is it because I trying to run away and avoid the problems I have now. Is like I trying to focus all my attention on SooJung and trying to forget my feelings for the person I like now. And I realized I start to ignore whatsapp group chat sometime and only reply when I feel like, which I never really ignore whatsapp chat last time. Kind of mia I guess. Or am I trying to make her jealous and miss me and hoping she will start have feelings for me? Ok this is bullshit. See start to overthink again. But I really think my obsesssion for SooJung is just to avoid problems. If I really did, I am sorry SooJung. But I really love you now! You are totally awesome and gorgeous and beautiful. I just hope my obsession for you will last forever and hoping I can meet and know you in real life. And if possible, become friends. Hehehehehe! I LOVE YOU SOOJUNG!<3

Is god trying to tell me something? why everytime i have made up my mind to end this friendship, she will start doing action to make me feel like she still treasure me as an important friend then some of her action will sometime make me overthink again. like that time when i heard she want to do 'Boy' by little mix without me, to be honest, i was so frustrated. is like we before that already say we want to perform together and that is like a 'promise' to me. but she break it. maybe thats not a promise to her. i dont know. i just feel damn disappointed with her and this is not the first time. there is quite a few incident. but mostly is because of my overly jealousy. and since then i have no feel to go for practices anymore. even until now was quite sian of practices too.

but then the practice right after i made that decision of ending it, she and another friend ran over to hug me once they saw me in school, cause they miss me. its been 1 week since we last met. ok 1 week is not very long, but maybe cause i kind of mia since i am on intern then during sch time before i go intern, we meet up quite often, so ya. anyway what i want to say is that, its the first time she actually ran to hug me once she saw me, then my frustration and disappointment all gone. i am quite surprise and touched by their action. for a moment i feel that i am important in their life, especially when it comes to talk about hers. but still i feel sian cause most probably cant get to perform with the 2 of them i guess. 

then the next day, she did something that makes me feel even more love from her again. she meet me after my work at BV mrt station then go practices together cause she went city to watch movie. but that's not the main thing. main thing is she texted me '下班了吗宝贝' right after i end work. that day after work, i was quite shag alr cause i have quite a lot of things to do during office hour and the moment i saw that text, i just cant stop smiling. it feels great to have someone waiting for you to end work, especially when the person waiting for you is so important in your life. and yes she is by far one of the most important person my life. and i cant imagine what would happen if our friendship end, which i actually thought of ending it before. anyway that day was actually quite a smooth and good day for me. boss praise my work and my speed of work and it rain almost the whole day except for my lunch time and after work, which is when i have to leave office and there is no shelter, and the bus driver actually wait for me when i am quite a distance away from the bus stop and a sweet text from her and go to sch with her. i must say that is really the best day i had since holiday. and i tweeted the text msg and she reply 'HAHA miss ni ma', which make me even more touched.
For now things seem going well between me and her and all i hope now is, our friendship remain like this and i just dont wish to start getting overly jealous then start getting angry and disappointed in her then start giving her attitudes then when she feel and know i am angry with her, we have to talk things out and worst through text somemore, which i hate. and most of the time is she came and ask me is it i angry with her. i just dont want her to feel upset and trouble by what i feel, cause i will feel like its too selfish for feeling this way when we are not even together. and i realized i have been trying to avoid all this thing by getting obsess with something. more like someone. i will talk about it the next post. so thats all for today. thanks my dear blog. :)

Why have I become like that? Why have I become so emotional. Why is my temper back again. I told myself I am not gonna hurt her again. But I did it again. I try to control but I fail. Whenever I piss off I try to walk away quietly but this makes me treat her coldly and she can sense it then she will start feeling sad I guess. Past few days all I think about was what I did to her and I feel guilty for it. It's the first time I actually cry with anger and disappointment. The tears just uncontrollably flow down. I have never been like that. Yes I cry for other ppl before but it's not as worst as this. I hate who I have become. I thought avoiding and ignoring might help, but no, it got worst. I have fallen deeper, way too deep.   And all I can think of now is leave and disappear for a period of time. And just nice now is intern, I can take this period of time to settle myself down. I wish I could tell her all the truth. But I just don't have the courage. I want to leave and forget this feeling but I scared it will ruin the friendship and scared it will never be the same when I come back. And when I say leave is really forget everything over here which Include not performing for prelude. Cause if I perform I only want to perform with her and a few of them. But if I continue to stay where I am now, things might get worst or maybe I might even ruin this friendship forever. Throughout my whole life, I have never want to lose someone so badly before. I know what I am doing now is causing her trouble. I am sorry for that. So leaving will be the best choice for now. I know I promise I won't leave your life before but I am sorry I have to break the promise for a period of time. I don't want to hurt anymore people. People who know this problem is most probably sick of it, even myself. It's for the best. I type so much but do I have to courage to tell her? do I have to courage to lose her for this period of time. How am I gonna tell her? 

So opposite of what happen for the past few days happen today. Is like she know that I am jealous of them. Is like someone told her about it or maybe she can sense it. Or maybe she read my blog. 😱 which I doubt so bah. I just find it weird. Is like the moment she enter classroom, not long later, she ask me if I want to play the computer games with her, which normally when they play, I was alone at the side cause I was quite piss off until I don't bother joining them. But I need study so I say no, Then say later then play. Then she say 'I study with you' then I am like study with me? Then she say 'I go sit beside you, sit alone like so lonely'. Around like that lah. I forget what she say exactly. And she really move beside me. I was quite shock about it but of course I can't deny the fact that I am happy what had just happen. But it's really too weird. Like a sudden attitude change towards me. Ok maybe that's not call attitude. I forget what's that call. And I have no idea why we today like seems a lot more closer than the past few days. We spend like almost 2 hours I guess, on watching YouTube videos. Suppose to study but since we done with what we suppose to study today, so ya lepak time. Hahaha 

I was quite happy today. Cause of how she treated me. But I still cannot control my jealousy when I see her and the guys so close. I try. I just don't like how one of them like care for her so much. Is like too overly care. Like treating her like girlfriend like that. I don't like how he talks to her. I feel like he is flirting her. But then again that's him, maybe that is just him, that's how he treat his friend. And also don't forget he like her too, so confirm will care for her more than other friends one. So what can I do. Nothing. She is not mine, I have no rights to do anything at all. What I have to do is, get rid of my feelings for her. I need to stop being so overly jealous. It's killing me and might trouble my friends too. I want to put this to an end but at the same time keep this important friendship. This is really hard. But I believe one day, I will overcome this. I am really afraid to lose her in my life even as a friend. 

Now is study week and I have never thought that studying with Ohana in sch will be so much productive than me studying alone at home. Cause studying at home, mum will be on tv which will most probably distract me. And in sch when I saw all of them so hardcore studying, I somehow got the feel to study too. And that's how productive I have been the past 3 days. So the pass 2 days we have been meeting earlier than usual school time to meet for breakfast. Mon only meet for lunch, tues meet for Mac breakfast at 7am, and wed which is today, meet for breakfast at munch at 8am plus. Honestly I was quite surprise with myself. Cause I normally will late for class even though my class is at 9am. But meeting them in the morning kind of motivate me to wake up and be on time. Tues morning I even wake up earlier than the alarm clock. Wow! Ohana must be so important to me, that I feel so motivated to wake up early and study with them. 

So things happen this 2 days. My overly jealousy is killing me again. I hate how close she is with the 2 of them. Is like she seem more close to them than to me. But people always say she closer to me  than the rest. But that's not what I see. I hate how she private message them individually. I hate how she seems more happy when playing with them. I hate how she seems to have more fun when with them. So during this 2 days of studying, they have so much fun playing some computer games and I have to tolerate it at the side. If you know me well, you will know that I hate noisy place when I am in a bad mood. So is like they were having so much fun and of course will start screaming all this lah, it's really irritated me. Then I really almost break down, actually alr break down, cause got tears flowing down due to my stupid over jealousy. I just went out of the classroom to cool down. Tues I went out for like 30mins? And wed(today) I went out for more than 1 hours. Cause I really cannot. I am really boiling. I actually walk like one round around munch block and one round around BLK 56. Then stand at the pond near BLK 56, watching the tortoise and fishes. Somehow it kind of calm me down. Surprisingly. Then I am like why can't I be like those fishes so carefree, swimming around like no one business. So I manage to walk in with a calm down mind. But not long I piss off again. Cause he is sitting one seats away fr her when he actually nt sitting there. I am like. Why cant u go back sit. I know u like her lah. But why must u sit beside her. WHY! But luckily, one of my group chat convo and Yimin and Siew chat is very funny so it kind of make me smile and laugh a little. So once again I calm down. So ya... This is what actually kind of happen.

I don't blame anyone I have mention for this. I blame myself. Cause like very stupid. Is like it's been so long, nothing is done to it, then I myself suffer silently there. I know it's my own problem and I clearly know I am avoiding this problem. I run away from it instead of trying to solve it. But the problem is how to solve? Talk things out with her? Which will most probably affect our friendship. And I know a lot of ppl is getting annoyed by my problem, well yeah it's obv enough cause I was annoyed by it too. So ya I choose to run away fr this problem and suffer alone by myself. I don't want pull anyone in. At most I will only complain to Yimin and siew about it. That's all. But somehow this problem must be solve. So I have decided I shall use my intern period to have some reflection on this matter since I will hardly meet any of them, which might be a good thing. Hopefully I will solve this problem ASAP.

So someone told me not to care about her. Totally just treat her as normal friend. But I cannot cause I clearly know that if I don't care about her, I will most probably ignore her. Like really ignore, which will most probably put an end to this friendship. But both of us doesn't want to lose each other, cause we have talk about it before. We were afraid of losing each other. Yes maybe that's why ppl say we two seems very close. But what I feel is that, why she treat me differently compare to the rest. Like I am not important like that. Then sometime her action to me is like I got chance. But no I don't have. :/ stop having this stupid hope! haize... Ok I rant enough for the day. Even though after ranting I didn't really calm down, but still thanks blog! :) 

Days... weeks... months... have pass. i discovered a lot of things. i know you know about me. but i didnt want to clarify it out. cause i still want this friendship to go on forever. funny how i didnt get agitated when i know how you found out about it. cause i realized its no use to get all so frustrated about it. and maybe its cause i kind of know this will happen or maybe its cause i am use to being betray. i dont know. but all i know is i am happy that u are still ok with me despite u know the truth, despite i have hurt you sometime unintentionally. i treasure our friendship alot cause you are the very first friend that i actually have quarrel with and talk things out and at the end of the day, things are fine between us. i told you this before and i know you are afraid to lose me as a friend too. so i do whatever i can to maintain this friendship. but sometime i try too hard and i get all so emotional and i myself suffer, just that i didnt tell you. i didnt complain maybe a little maybe cause i think its all worth it for this friendship i guess.
remember this period of time when i get so fucking piss off that i almost want to slap this fucking shit out of his face. yeah. i stop, i start to try to accept him just because i dont want you to stuck in between us, just because i want you to be happy. but honestly, i will still piss off. but i hide it. i know i am avoiding from all this problems, but what is the use if i continue to create more hatred on him, it will only cause people around us to suffer, especially you i guess. you say u r not close to him, but ur actions doesnt say so. so i dont know what to think. you seems to have alot more things to chat with him than with me. you seems more close to him than me. i cant believe i even teared for you because of him. why!? what am i afraid of? you being snatch away from me by him? if i believe you treasure our friendship, i shouldn't be afraid of this rite? and somemore he is not someone who you will get together with and even if so, so what? i also dont have chance to be with you one. so why? have i stop believing in you? or what? i dk. even until now ur actions towards me makes me overthink too. but what to do, i am good at over thinking and this will only kill me. i can only try to control it. i just hope nothing will ruin this friendship between us. i hope i am as important to you as how important you are to me. hope miracles will happen...

Hi! It's been 3 weeks. How have you been? It's been really long since we had a conversation. Ok to me is long ah, I don't know about you. Honestly, i miss you. I miss our conversation. I miss how we always text each other, no matter how late our reply is, we will still remember to reply each other. Actually I kind of know that, you remember to reply me is cause you scared I will mistake that you hate me and don't want to talk to me, when actually that is your bad habit and you didn't mean to not reply me. I guess... To be honest, yes, I do feel that sometime, but I know it's your habit, it's just me. Well you actually ask me this before and I already told you honestly before too. So ya. 

I have something to confess and I guess some of you can see that I have been controlling myself. I hate seeing you talking to Clarence aka Benedict(I don't know what you call him) on twitter. I get really jealous and angry. And when I know you went movie alone with him, my mood change immediately, but I still act like I am fine with it and nothing happen. I try to calm myself and tell myself it's none of my business. Not only that, when I saw all those question on ask.fm that is trying to get your attention and hitting on you and asking you about him and you, I get really piss. 

I know I don't have the rights at all to be angry or jealous or whatever about it. Trust me, I have been controlling myself, but I got to say, I have hard time controlling myself. Infront of everybody I must act like I am fine. The only time I can be my true self is when I am alone. I really got this feeling that you two might get together soon, it's just a matter of times. I might be wrong. And I really have no idea how I will react and what I will do when you two really get together or when you get together with any guys. I just hope I can control myself and force myself to stay calm. 

Happy valentines day. :) and good luck for your common test later. :) if you have any dates later, have fun! :) just hoping that I got the guts to ask you out, but I can't, need study and no courage to ask. :( just hoping that we can at least have a meal together, but I know it's not gonna happen. just hoping that your date would be me. But neh... I know it's impossible... I know even if I ask you out and you are free, you will reject. But it's ok. As long as you enjoy your day, you happy, I happy :)

I know you would like to have a rose on valentines day. I can't give you physically, cause I know it's gonna be awkward and you will most probably don't like it if I give you, somemore Infront of your friends, so I can only post a picture of roses for you... Hope you like it! :)

Single people like me, let's treat it as friendship day then. For attach people, have fun with your boy/girlfriend. For poly student (I not sure about other sch), it's study day, at least for me. Hahaha! Valentines day so near exam... Where got time to celebrate. And I also don't have anyone to celebrate with. :/ boohoo! Neh... 习惯了. Lol! Ok lah! Got few friends ask me out, but I can't. Sad... Never mind, look at the bright side, holiday is coming :) 

Until now I still don't know how all this special days comes about... Anyone can explain to me!? O.o

Its been 2 weeks. time sure fly really fast. feel like everything just happen yesterday, or maybe to me only. so, how are you? looks like you are slowly recovering from your sickness. haha! cause you stop complaining about your throat pain and cough. good good! glad to know you are getting better. :) work hard for your exam that is coming soon, but at the same time don't stress yourself ok? just do your best. :) jyjy. ^^

Funny how i have to write all this message i want to tell you over here at my blog, cause i have no guts to text you all this. i scared you might find me annoying. Feel so pathetic and useless. So, my friends who have read my blog told me, my blog is touching, my post is touching, my message is touching. so i am like, thinking, so what if it is touching, so what if some of my post is touching until it almost make people cry (or maybe is just the song playing on my blog), its useless when the message is not deliver to the person, its useless when i can't let the person know what i am feeling and what i want to tell them. 

i keep having the urge to let you know about this blog, but i know now is not the right time. i am confuse, i don't know what i am doing, i don't know when is the right time. i know you are going oip soon during this coming holiday. i want to let you know about this blog before you leave singapore, but i don't want you to feel burden when you are overseas after you read my blog, but then again, maybe you don't give a damn about it. so my friend told me to let you know after you come back from oip, but i don't know if i can wait so long, i don't know how our relationship gonna be like after you came back, i don't know if i got the guts to even talk to you, i don't know if that one month of you not in singapore can help make me forget about you. (i doubt so)

Now all this confusion and thinking and advice from friends, i really don't know what is the purpose of me writing this blog. To write out my feelings and make me feel better? (although i don't feel better after every posts) To write out my message for you, what i want to tell you and my feelings to you and let you read and know next time? To let my friends who know about this blog to know what i have been going through since i didn't have the time to updated them about my life and heart to heart talk with them? whats the purpose? what do i really want in the first place when i start writing this blog? i already don't know...

So, i receive a short news yesterday. You say you never have feelings for girls before and even if you have, your religion wouldn't allow. Yeah. i have already thought about this before, and everyone can see that we are impossible. I myself know clearly too. everyone told me to give up, yep i did think before and i did try before. I ask a few of my friends, am i stupid to continue loving you and thinking that i have chance, when its clearly shown we are impossible. Some say yes, but i am not angry or sad, ok maybe a little sad, cause i find myself stupid for continuing with it too and i thanks them for being honest with me. Well, true friends will tell the truth even though its mean and straight forward, cause i know they don't want to see me continue hoping on a hopeless hope and sad whenever i got a heartbreak for someone who doesn't love me back. I know they mean well for me and i appreciated whatever they did for me, but you know what, i am gonna reply them, it's all worth it for someone you truly love. Some say no, they say i am courageous, i have lost my sanity, my courageous has overcome me, they say i am brave, they say this is how amazing love can turn someone into, this shows why love can be the biggest sacrifice in this world, and i have no idea is this good or bad. but they told me, there is no right or wrong in love.
It's been almost 2 weeks, until now, i don't know if i should really give up on you. After i heard the news, i did have the strong urge to let you go. but i can't. i have no idea what is holding me back from giving up on you. i have no idea why i just so stubborn and don't want to give up. i have no idea why i love you so much. i have no idea which parts of you, attracts me to you. your personalities? your looks? the way you treat me? i just don't know. i have no idea, why i keep falling deeper and deeper for you. God tell me if i am making the right decision, tell me if i am walking the right path, tell me whatever i am doing now, is it worth it. please! This is the first time i see myself so stubborn in my whole 18 years of life.

Hi! It's been 1 weeks. How have you been? Saw your tweets. You are sick, you have been coughing and it's look quite serious. Is it getting worst or getting better? Did you go see doctor? Must get lots of rest hoh. Don't stress yourself with works. Exam coming, must get well faster. I don't wish to see you suffer during exam because of the sickness, my heart will pain. :( Take care. <3

Heard that you are sick, I am worry for you. I want to do something to make you feel better. Maybe like buy herbal tea for you? Buy those coughing sweets for you. Anything as long as you are comfortable and can help you get better from your coughing. I just don't have the guts to do it. I don't even have the guts to text you whatever I written on top. I don't even have the guts to show my concern for you. I scared whatever I did will cause more awkwardness between us, and you might slowly avoid me again. I really don't want to lose you in my life. I am a coward when it comes to all this things. Scared here scared there. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know who I really am now. 

And I have no idea why am I so stubborn so stupid, until now, I still believe one day you will give me a chance, one day we will get together, even though you have already rejected me 2 times and told me very clearly that you only treat me as a good friend. Now I really don't know if I should continue to love you from the back, give you all my support and love and care or forget about you, which I am afraid it's going to very difficult or continue to chase you which I will most probably get rejected by you again. I am really confuse now. Someone pls help me. 

Valentines day is coming in 10 days time. 18 years and I have never celebrate valentines day before. Actually I am fine with it. Just that one of this days, I want to celebrate with the one I truly love. So I guess whoever reading my blog know who I want to celebrate valentines day with this year. And I know it's impossible, it's not gonna happen since what happen that day. To be honest I did think of asking you out and celebrate with you on that day, but I just don't have the courage to do so. Cause I know it's gonna be damn awkward and I know you will definitely reject me. 

Looking through your twitter and ask.fm and I wonder how did those anon got the courage to ask you out during valentines day. I know those might be a troll or anything just to get your attention and I know if I ask on ask.fm, you won't know it's me or maybe you might know, cause you know the way I type. But I just don't have the courage to ask you out. I don't even have the guts to be an anon on ask.fm and ask you out. I just wish to go back to the day when only the 2 of us go out alone to orchard. That day has been the best day I ever had until now, and I am happy that you willing to give me a chance to go out with you alone. 

You know people say your mood will affect your luck and fortune when gambling. So I was wondering is it because of my no mood that causes Me to chase away my gambling luck? I did try to smile and laugh and be happy during cny, but still no luck. And I was wondering is it because of that day, my mood has been very dead... Like I have no interested in a lot of stuff. Like I have been thinking wether I have done the wrong thing, have I make a wrong decision. I really don't want to regret on what I have done. Since that day I miss her even more. And since that day, every single day, every single hour, every single minute, every single second, all I think is her. I really no mood for everything, my project, my presentation, my drama, my game, even my favourite festival, cny. I thought after I make that decision, everything will be fine, nth will affect my mood, maybe I am wrong all along...

CNY 2014

Hello! So how is everyone Chinese New Year? Got win money? Got get a lot of Ang Bao? Got wear new clothes? Got take lots of picture? Got enjoy your Chinese New Year celebration with your family and friends mah? 

To be honest I didn't really enjoy this year Chinese New Year and I don't know why. Is like I don't have the mood to go and celebrate. I rather stay at home. To all my friends who know me, know that I love to gamble and have been waiting for cny to come so I can gamble. Indeed it's true, I been waiting for cny, I have been waiting to gamble, but this year I felt different. I feel bored when gambling, I like no mood to gamble. But my family know I like to gamble, so I just continue with what I always do. Funny right. First time I say I feel bored when gambling. So funny, that I don't even know why. I lose $100 plus on both days. That's a lot. Everyone might think that I must be sad for losing so much, but honestly I don't feel anything. Is like lose lose Loh. If this situation happen last time, I would have flare up and might cry. But this time I am like really heck care. 

Maybe there is one thing I did enjoy, my outfit for cny. It's has been what I always wanted to wear. Is like I finally wearing it, is like my mum finally let me wear what I have always been dreaming about. Last time I didn't dare to wear, cause it too guyish and I scared my mum will start suspect about me. But now, my style is very clear, I only go for cool stuff and finally my mum allow me. So I guess that's the only thing I did enjoy during this year cny.

#ootd for 初一

初一with my family at marina. :)

#ootd for 初二 <3

Gambling time :)

#ootd for 初三 comfy wear cause they come my house. XP

I am the banker ><

Exactly same card with cousii. Hahahah!

A Night ended. It's time for the biggest thing I have ever plan and I have ever done in my whole life. Confessing to her even though I already know she will confirm say no. Well the result is what everyone expected and whoever knows about this confession has already warn me about what is gonna happen after that. True enough. We got a lot more awkward and hopefully I won't regret what I have done. The only thing I regret is that I might lose you. But I have no choice. The urge to confess to you again is making me suffocating. Like sometime I just can't accept the facts that you don't have feeling for me with all the action you did. I am not blaming you, it's just me, who always like to over think and cause myself to be in this state. Somehow I feel better after confessing to you although you reject me and we became a lot more awkward. Every decision has gains and loses, has pros and cons. After this confession I can see it more clearly that you really only want to treat me as a very good friend and nothing else. I am really grateful for that as after what we had been going through, you still willing to accept me as a very good friend. Next time I should really stop over thinking about your every action towards me, like sending selfies, complaining to me and more. But I doubt all this things will happen again. Ok maybe will, just maybe like months later... Need time to clear this awkwardness between us. I can understand why you reject me. It's okay. I just want to tell you I still love you that's all. I am sorry if I creep you out yesterday and sorry if I bring any trouble or problem to you. And I just want to say you can don't love me back and don't accept me but you can't stop me from loving you. So ya. And anyway the song I sang during A Night is for you. Hope you like it although I screw up the back part. 

I don't even know why I wrote all this posts. Is like all this is what I want to tell you but I don't dare let you know and let you know I have been blogging about you and let you read. I am sorry. I just don't have the courage. And I don't even know if you bother to read all this posts after you know about it. So it's ok. I just want you to be happy and hope I not causing any 烦恼 to you. 

NPVOICES - A Night

Yesterday was a great night. A Night is so important to me. Actually all NPVOICES event are important to me. Hahahah! I perform I wouldn't mind by he is we. I am happy to hear from joe that I have improve tremendously compare to last year A Night. At first I was afraid that I choose the wrong song. Cause I don't find my voice suit the chorus, but it's was alright for verse. Heng that joe actually like my performance. Wow!!! Hahahaha! Why I wow? Cause it's joe what. Hahaha! So ya. I been preparing this song since last year and I am glad that I mange to survive throughout the performance although I kind of screw up the back part. I was the fist few to perform and I am so happy that so many voices ppl support me. But sadly YiMin and mich mummy didn't manage to see my performance. So sad. :( Actually mummy manage to hear. Cause she at the door just cannot come in cause my performance start liao. Hehe! When laoshi and joe comment, I just find it very funny. They always prefer different things from my voice one. Total opposite. Joe prefer my low voice while laoshi prefer my higher voice hahah. Same like last year sia. Also total opposite. Hahah! Actually I prefer my lower voice hahaha. 😂😂😂 so ya... So performance continue. So sad that Veron is sick and she can't perform. She sing so nice! I really love her voice sia. Haize... Wasted. :( 

Break time. We went out to kind of help those that haven perform. So ya I kind of help Clara and kh. They sound very nice. Really very nice and they sound quite similar. Just that Clara got a lower tone and kh got a sweeter voice. They sound very good together. And indeed they did a great performance. 👍👏👏👏 and thx Siew, our camera women for the day, for helping us record some of the performance despite you are very tired. >< 

The answer is obvious. But it's ok. Cause I confess to you is to tell you that I don't like you but I still love you. I know it's very difficult for you to accept me and be with me. I know after I confess I am gonna lose you again and no one knows when we will be close again. But it's still ok. I just want to be honest to you and to myself. Everyone don't agree or support me with this decision. But they respect my decision. And I am thankful for that. I am blessed to have all of them in my life.

I have to admit I am stupid for making this decision even though I know the answer clearly. But it's ok. 

How amazing love can turn someone into another person and cause so many things to happen. Love, can make you stubborn and make you make all kind of stupid decision and make you such a dumbass for a period of time. Love, the greatest thing that everyone should receive and give. 

Its been days since i have been thinking about it. I really want confess to you again. but all my friends that i have ask say better don't confess. even the flipping of coin and using apps to help me decided also say don't confess. so i am confuse. i really don't know what to do now. to confess or not. i don't even know what i am thinking now. I am fine with you rejecting me(i guess) my main purpose of confessing to you again is to tell you how i feel about you but at the same time i don't want us to be awkward all over again and this time the situation might get worst. no one knows. i want to be honest with you and admit to everything i have done. i blog about you, i confess to you on NP confession and its recently and i am surprise my confession touches alot of people hearts, i still tweet about you, but i try not to, i ask you question on ask.fm, i stalk your twitter everyday, i stalk your instagram almost everyday and i always looking forward to read your blog and everytime i saw your picture i always stare at it for a few seconds more than other picture, and i just don't know why and i only realized after a few seconds. i am really sorry if all this creeps you out. i didn't mean it, people might say me stupid and dumb or no brain for telling you all this, but i just don't want to hide it from you anymore, i just want to be honest with you. cause i believe if you truly love someone, just be honest with them. Love is the biggest sacrifice, at least to me.
My friends were all right, no matter how many times they told me not to confess or how the coins and apps told me don't confess, i will still confess. now the problem is, i don't know when is the right time to confess. i was thinking of after ANight, but i scared i have no chance to confess and things might go wrong. i really don't know. i feel helpless...

Has anyone ever fall for someone, who gave you a feeling that no one has ever given you, and continue to love him/her despite he/she rejected you.
Has anyone felt stupid for doing so, but still continue?
Did anyone feel like you still got the chance to be with him/her even thought its clearly shown that you two are impossible.
People say after confess is either both of you become closer or become stranger. Its true for my situation, we become a lot more closer than i would have ever thought of it, but at the same time, i feel that we are awkward with each other, especially when our friends are around. When we are alone, we are perfectly fine and i love those moments.
Its been 7 months plus since i realized i fall for you. its been 5 months plus since i confess to you. Although i have been reject by you, i want to confess to you again. but i don't know if i am doing the right thing. and i don't know when is the right time to confess to you again. all i want to say is that, i love you and i want you to know that if the whole world turn their back on you, don't worry, as i will never ever turn my back on you, i will always be there for you.

It's been 7 months plus since I realized I fall for you. it's been 5 months plus since I confess to you on your birthday. I have never plan to fall for you, but I just did. You know, I have difficulties forgetting and letting go of my previous crush even though we stop texting, stop meeting often. At first I thought I will never forget her, until you came into my life. That's the moment I start to realized you are different. You give me a feeling that no one has ever given me. You are the first person I confess to. You are the first person I cry for. You are the first person that really affect me a lot. I get jealous, angry, sad and happy easily because of you. I did try to let you go. But I just can't and I feel that I have fallen too deep. It's like I will never get out of it. Some of my friends is starting to have a bad impression of you cause the way you treat me is like giving me false hope and they know I have been struggling with it, even though I try to act I am fine. I don't blame you for your action. I just don't want others to have bad impression of you. I know you been treating me like that cause you don't want lose me as a good friend. It's just me who always overthink. I really do hope I am not causing you any problem. I don't want to be your burden. I want to confess to you again and hope you can give me a chance. But I don't know when is the right time to confess to you and I don't know if I am doing the right things. I really don't wish to ruin our friendship. 

What did I do to deserve such a life now?

What did I do to deserve whatever I going through now. 

I not blaming anyone. I just want to know reason to everything that is happening now especially between you and me. I just want to know why god let you come into my life, and make me fall for you when it's clearly shown that me and you are not possible at all? I just want to know why are you still doing all this things to me like showing a sign that you actually like me but don't dare to be with me? Like you are giving me false hope, when you clearly told me we are impossible when I confess to you. I just want to know why one moment you treat me like we are very close and the next moment you treat me like we only know each other and that's all, like we not friend at all, just know each other. I just want to know after you know I like you, why we became even more close and at the same time more awkward. Why is loving someone so difficult? Why is letting go of someone, who give you a feeling that no one has ever given you, even more difficult? There is a lot more ques I want to know. But I guess I will never be able to find out all this answer I have been trying to look for. I want to let go and give up on all this ques that I have been thinking, but I just can't. Why do I have so many ques in my life and all this ques might remain as a mystery until the day I leave this world...