Hi! Just checking in! So it's been months. Very tough months. I'm still struggling with it. Wishing all this will be over soon. I can't continue to struggle with those thoughts. Especially at night, when it gets worst. Practically every night. It's unhealthy for my mind. I think! That's what some ppl say. I don't even know if I'm mentally tired or physically tired anymore. But most probably is mentally tired from those thoughts. But it's not something I can control. 

I don't see us talking as much as last time anymore. I can't seem to find any topic for us to have a long convo anymore. I can see I'm trying too hard to start a topic but it either ends too fast or the reply are always hours apart. I try to reply slow. Cause I don't want the convo to end within 1-2 hours or even within a few minutes. 

Things have change. I can sense our friendship has change. It seems to be closer but it seems to be further apart too. I hardly see you anymore since my only chance of seeing you is fuck up by judgemental and making us feel outcast ppl. That's my only chance to see you weekly. 

It's a mistake from the start. It's not a mistake to meet you. But it's a mistake to allow myself to have feelings for you. It's a bigger mistake to even start having feelings for you. And because of that I can never see you as a good friend only anymore. And that's how I fuck this friendship (that I treasure a lot) up. What's done is done, I can't go back to the past.