Why have I become like that? Why have I become so emotional. Why is my temper back again. I told myself I am not gonna hurt her again. But I did it again. I try to control but I fail. Whenever I piss off I try to walk away quietly but this makes me treat her coldly and she can sense it then she will start feeling sad I guess. Past few days all I think about was what I did to her and I feel guilty for it. It's the first time I actually cry with anger and disappointment. The tears just uncontrollably flow down. I have never been like that. Yes I cry for other ppl before but it's not as worst as this. I hate who I have become. I thought avoiding and ignoring might help, but no, it got worst. I have fallen deeper, way too deep.   And all I can think of now is leave and disappear for a period of time. And just nice now is intern, I can take this period of time to settle myself down. I wish I could tell her all the truth. But I just don't have the courage. I want to leave and forget this feeling but I scared it will ruin the friendship and scared it will never be the same when I come back. And when I say leave is really forget everything over here which Include not performing for prelude. Cause if I perform I only want to perform with her and a few of them. But if I continue to stay where I am now, things might get worst or maybe I might even ruin this friendship forever. Throughout my whole life, I have never want to lose someone so badly before. I know what I am doing now is causing her trouble. I am sorry for that. So leaving will be the best choice for now. I know I promise I won't leave your life before but I am sorry I have to break the promise for a period of time. I don't want to hurt anymore people. People who know this problem is most probably sick of it, even myself. It's for the best. I type so much but do I have to courage to tell her? do I have to courage to lose her for this period of time. How am I gonna tell her?