Its been 2 weeks. time sure fly really fast. feel like everything just happen yesterday, or maybe to me only. so, how are you? looks like you are slowly recovering from your sickness. haha! cause you stop complaining about your throat pain and cough. good good! glad to know you are getting better. :) work hard for your exam that is coming soon, but at the same time don't stress yourself ok? just do your best. :) jyjy. ^^

Funny how i have to write all this message i want to tell you over here at my blog, cause i have no guts to text you all this. i scared you might find me annoying. Feel so pathetic and useless. So, my friends who have read my blog told me, my blog is touching, my post is touching, my message is touching. so i am like, thinking, so what if it is touching, so what if some of my post is touching until it almost make people cry (or maybe is just the song playing on my blog), its useless when the message is not deliver to the person, its useless when i can't let the person know what i am feeling and what i want to tell them. 

i keep having the urge to let you know about this blog, but i know now is not the right time. i am confuse, i don't know what i am doing, i don't know when is the right time. i know you are going oip soon during this coming holiday. i want to let you know about this blog before you leave singapore, but i don't want you to feel burden when you are overseas after you read my blog, but then again, maybe you don't give a damn about it. so my friend told me to let you know after you come back from oip, but i don't know if i can wait so long, i don't know how our relationship gonna be like after you came back, i don't know if i got the guts to even talk to you, i don't know if that one month of you not in singapore can help make me forget about you. (i doubt so)

Now all this confusion and thinking and advice from friends, i really don't know what is the purpose of me writing this blog. To write out my feelings and make me feel better? (although i don't feel better after every posts) To write out my message for you, what i want to tell you and my feelings to you and let you read and know next time? To let my friends who know about this blog to know what i have been going through since i didn't have the time to updated them about my life and heart to heart talk with them? whats the purpose? what do i really want in the first place when i start writing this blog? i already don't know...

So, i receive a short news yesterday. You say you never have feelings for girls before and even if you have, your religion wouldn't allow. Yeah. i have already thought about this before, and everyone can see that we are impossible. I myself know clearly too. everyone told me to give up, yep i did think before and i did try before. I ask a few of my friends, am i stupid to continue loving you and thinking that i have chance, when its clearly shown we are impossible. Some say yes, but i am not angry or sad, ok maybe a little sad, cause i find myself stupid for continuing with it too and i thanks them for being honest with me. Well, true friends will tell the truth even though its mean and straight forward, cause i know they don't want to see me continue hoping on a hopeless hope and sad whenever i got a heartbreak for someone who doesn't love me back. I know they mean well for me and i appreciated whatever they did for me, but you know what, i am gonna reply them, it's all worth it for someone you truly love. Some say no, they say i am courageous, i have lost my sanity, my courageous has overcome me, they say i am brave, they say this is how amazing love can turn someone into, this shows why love can be the biggest sacrifice in this world, and i have no idea is this good or bad. but they told me, there is no right or wrong in love.
It's been almost 2 weeks, until now, i don't know if i should really give up on you. After i heard the news, i did have the strong urge to let you go. but i can't. i have no idea what is holding me back from giving up on you. i have no idea why i just so stubborn and don't want to give up. i have no idea why i love you so much. i have no idea which parts of you, attracts me to you. your personalities? your looks? the way you treat me? i just don't know. i have no idea, why i keep falling deeper and deeper for you. God tell me if i am making the right decision, tell me if i am walking the right path, tell me whatever i am doing now, is it worth it. please! This is the first time i see myself so stubborn in my whole 18 years of life.

Hi! It's been 1 weeks. How have you been? Saw your tweets. You are sick, you have been coughing and it's look quite serious. Is it getting worst or getting better? Did you go see doctor? Must get lots of rest hoh. Don't stress yourself with works. Exam coming, must get well faster. I don't wish to see you suffer during exam because of the sickness, my heart will pain. :( Take care. <3

Heard that you are sick, I am worry for you. I want to do something to make you feel better. Maybe like buy herbal tea for you? Buy those coughing sweets for you. Anything as long as you are comfortable and can help you get better from your coughing. I just don't have the guts to do it. I don't even have the guts to text you whatever I written on top. I don't even have the guts to show my concern for you. I scared whatever I did will cause more awkwardness between us, and you might slowly avoid me again. I really don't want to lose you in my life. I am a coward when it comes to all this things. Scared here scared there. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know who I really am now. 

And I have no idea why am I so stubborn so stupid, until now, I still believe one day you will give me a chance, one day we will get together, even though you have already rejected me 2 times and told me very clearly that you only treat me as a good friend. Now I really don't know if I should continue to love you from the back, give you all my support and love and care or forget about you, which I am afraid it's going to very difficult or continue to chase you which I will most probably get rejected by you again. I am really confuse now. Someone pls help me. 

Valentines day is coming in 10 days time. 18 years and I have never celebrate valentines day before. Actually I am fine with it. Just that one of this days, I want to celebrate with the one I truly love. So I guess whoever reading my blog know who I want to celebrate valentines day with this year. And I know it's impossible, it's not gonna happen since what happen that day. To be honest I did think of asking you out and celebrate with you on that day, but I just don't have the courage to do so. Cause I know it's gonna be damn awkward and I know you will definitely reject me. 

Looking through your twitter and ask.fm and I wonder how did those anon got the courage to ask you out during valentines day. I know those might be a troll or anything just to get your attention and I know if I ask on ask.fm, you won't know it's me or maybe you might know, cause you know the way I type. But I just don't have the courage to ask you out. I don't even have the guts to be an anon on ask.fm and ask you out. I just wish to go back to the day when only the 2 of us go out alone to orchard. That day has been the best day I ever had until now, and I am happy that you willing to give me a chance to go out with you alone. 

You know people say your mood will affect your luck and fortune when gambling. So I was wondering is it because of my no mood that causes Me to chase away my gambling luck? I did try to smile and laugh and be happy during cny, but still no luck. And I was wondering is it because of that day, my mood has been very dead... Like I have no interested in a lot of stuff. Like I have been thinking wether I have done the wrong thing, have I make a wrong decision. I really don't want to regret on what I have done. Since that day I miss her even more. And since that day, every single day, every single hour, every single minute, every single second, all I think is her. I really no mood for everything, my project, my presentation, my drama, my game, even my favourite festival, cny. I thought after I make that decision, everything will be fine, nth will affect my mood, maybe I am wrong all along...

CNY 2014

Hello! So how is everyone Chinese New Year? Got win money? Got get a lot of Ang Bao? Got wear new clothes? Got take lots of picture? Got enjoy your Chinese New Year celebration with your family and friends mah? 

To be honest I didn't really enjoy this year Chinese New Year and I don't know why. Is like I don't have the mood to go and celebrate. I rather stay at home. To all my friends who know me, know that I love to gamble and have been waiting for cny to come so I can gamble. Indeed it's true, I been waiting for cny, I have been waiting to gamble, but this year I felt different. I feel bored when gambling, I like no mood to gamble. But my family know I like to gamble, so I just continue with what I always do. Funny right. First time I say I feel bored when gambling. So funny, that I don't even know why. I lose $100 plus on both days. That's a lot. Everyone might think that I must be sad for losing so much, but honestly I don't feel anything. Is like lose lose Loh. If this situation happen last time, I would have flare up and might cry. But this time I am like really heck care. 

Maybe there is one thing I did enjoy, my outfit for cny. It's has been what I always wanted to wear. Is like I finally wearing it, is like my mum finally let me wear what I have always been dreaming about. Last time I didn't dare to wear, cause it too guyish and I scared my mum will start suspect about me. But now, my style is very clear, I only go for cool stuff and finally my mum allow me. So I guess that's the only thing I did enjoy during this year cny.

#ootd for 初一

初一with my family at marina. :)

#ootd for 初二 <3

Gambling time :)

#ootd for 初三 comfy wear cause they come my house. XP

I am the banker ><

Exactly same card with cousii. Hahahah!

A Night ended. It's time for the biggest thing I have ever plan and I have ever done in my whole life. Confessing to her even though I already know she will confirm say no. Well the result is what everyone expected and whoever knows about this confession has already warn me about what is gonna happen after that. True enough. We got a lot more awkward and hopefully I won't regret what I have done. The only thing I regret is that I might lose you. But I have no choice. The urge to confess to you again is making me suffocating. Like sometime I just can't accept the facts that you don't have feeling for me with all the action you did. I am not blaming you, it's just me, who always like to over think and cause myself to be in this state. Somehow I feel better after confessing to you although you reject me and we became a lot more awkward. Every decision has gains and loses, has pros and cons. After this confession I can see it more clearly that you really only want to treat me as a very good friend and nothing else. I am really grateful for that as after what we had been going through, you still willing to accept me as a very good friend. Next time I should really stop over thinking about your every action towards me, like sending selfies, complaining to me and more. But I doubt all this things will happen again. Ok maybe will, just maybe like months later... Need time to clear this awkwardness between us. I can understand why you reject me. It's okay. I just want to tell you I still love you that's all. I am sorry if I creep you out yesterday and sorry if I bring any trouble or problem to you. And I just want to say you can don't love me back and don't accept me but you can't stop me from loving you. So ya. And anyway the song I sang during A Night is for you. Hope you like it although I screw up the back part. 

I don't even know why I wrote all this posts. Is like all this is what I want to tell you but I don't dare let you know and let you know I have been blogging about you and let you read. I am sorry. I just don't have the courage. And I don't even know if you bother to read all this posts after you know about it. So it's ok. I just want you to be happy and hope I not causing any 烦恼 to you. 

NPVOICES - A Night

Yesterday was a great night. A Night is so important to me. Actually all NPVOICES event are important to me. Hahahah! I perform I wouldn't mind by he is we. I am happy to hear from joe that I have improve tremendously compare to last year A Night. At first I was afraid that I choose the wrong song. Cause I don't find my voice suit the chorus, but it's was alright for verse. Heng that joe actually like my performance. Wow!!! Hahahaha! Why I wow? Cause it's joe what. Hahaha! So ya. I been preparing this song since last year and I am glad that I mange to survive throughout the performance although I kind of screw up the back part. I was the fist few to perform and I am so happy that so many voices ppl support me. But sadly YiMin and mich mummy didn't manage to see my performance. So sad. :( Actually mummy manage to hear. Cause she at the door just cannot come in cause my performance start liao. Hehe! When laoshi and joe comment, I just find it very funny. They always prefer different things from my voice one. Total opposite. Joe prefer my low voice while laoshi prefer my higher voice hahah. Same like last year sia. Also total opposite. Hahah! Actually I prefer my lower voice hahaha. 😂😂😂 so ya... So performance continue. So sad that Veron is sick and she can't perform. She sing so nice! I really love her voice sia. Haize... Wasted. :( 

Break time. We went out to kind of help those that haven perform. So ya I kind of help Clara and kh. They sound very nice. Really very nice and they sound quite similar. Just that Clara got a lower tone and kh got a sweeter voice. They sound very good together. And indeed they did a great performance. 👍👏👏👏 and thx Siew, our camera women for the day, for helping us record some of the performance despite you are very tired. ><