Hi! It's only been like one month plus, but feels like monthsssss since I last blog.

So recently been using the app call Okcupid. Honestly no one talk to me there. I was the one who start the convo everytime. Well, I alr kind of expected it. I only manage to keep convo for awhile, like 100 plus msg, with a handful of them, excluding my friends who are also using okcupid. So recently, a girl visited my profile, as usual she didn't start convo with me. I went to the profile and instant wow, telling myself I have to start a convo with her. Cause she is like the prettiest girl i see in Okcupid. I admit ok, I go for looks first. It's hard not to go for looks on dating app. lol! The way I start the convo is damn stupid. Hahahaha but at least I'm glad i started it. That is the longest convo I have in Okcupid. After chatting for like 10 days, i have a feeling that I might like her in the future. So just to make sure I won't fall for another person that I can't have again, I check her profile again. And guess what, she is seeing someone. It's a sign man, I got to back off. But as usual the stubborn me insist that I might have a chance. Stupid rite. Jeez! And I actually told her I kinda like her and if she is single I might chase her. I was surprise with my reply too. Like wth! *facepalm* luckily the convo didn't die there. Phew... Everything back to normal. And hopefully one day I will get to meet her, or get her number, or Skype with her, or follow her social media. I really want to know her better sia. Hahahaha oh did I mention she wear spec too. Cute sia! FYI, I like it when pretty girls wear spec. Hahahaha ok I gotta control myself and not be so despo to get into a r/s. A rush r/s won't work out. Relax man! Just see her as a friend. :) and always remember any attach people cannot touch. Cause I personally hate it when some random person suddenly pop out and ruin a r/s. So It's better to always keep a friendly distance with attach ppl, unless you know for sure you won't fall for that person. Hahahaha 

I thought it has stop. I was wrong. It's back. Or maybe it has never leave. Maybe I have been avoiding and hiding away from it. I can see it has slowly fade off. It's quite obvious. I can see that I am trying too hard. But why am I even trying so hard, that sometime I feel stress up by it, when it's suppose to be fun and relax.

The urge to unfollow. The urge to end. The urge to stop. The urge to run away. The urge to cut off everything. 

Should I be selfish for once, just for my own good, for my benefit. If I stay on, how long more do I have to feel trap inside, no where to trash it out, no one to express to. I mean I know there are ppl out there willing to listen me out. But what's the point of saying when no one can help me, when I don't feel better after saying. Sometime I wonder why did I suddenly want to change my life. Cut my hair into short hair. Want to go gym recently, when I have never step into a gym before last time. Want to stop eating mac suddenly. Want to stop drinking soda. Everyone know how lazy and how badly I love all those food and drink and I will never stop having them in my life. Something must have triggered me into all these changes. Sometimes I wonder if it is the thing that triggers it. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I needed something to distract me from it. Well... I should be happy since all these are healthy changes. So yeah. 

God please give me some guidance. I really don't know what to do. I don't wish to make anymore decision that will make me regret again. 

Hi! Just checking in! So it's been months. Very tough months. I'm still struggling with it. Wishing all this will be over soon. I can't continue to struggle with those thoughts. Especially at night, when it gets worst. Practically every night. It's unhealthy for my mind. I think! That's what some ppl say. I don't even know if I'm mentally tired or physically tired anymore. But most probably is mentally tired from those thoughts. But it's not something I can control. 

I don't see us talking as much as last time anymore. I can't seem to find any topic for us to have a long convo anymore. I can see I'm trying too hard to start a topic but it either ends too fast or the reply are always hours apart. I try to reply slow. Cause I don't want the convo to end within 1-2 hours or even within a few minutes. 

Things have change. I can sense our friendship has change. It seems to be closer but it seems to be further apart too. I hardly see you anymore since my only chance of seeing you is fuck up by judgemental and making us feel outcast ppl. That's my only chance to see you weekly. 

It's a mistake from the start. It's not a mistake to meet you. But it's a mistake to allow myself to have feelings for you. It's a bigger mistake to even start having feelings for you. And because of that I can never see you as a good friend only anymore. And that's how I fuck this friendship (that I treasure a lot) up. What's done is done, I can't go back to the past. 

I should give up. I look like I have given up. But I am not over it. I still hope for miracles. That's just how stubborn I was.

I finally know and understand why love is the greatest thing in this world. I think I have finally truely love someone. Cause this time, her happiness is more important than any other thing now. And the willingness to sacrifice anything just to see her smile happily. 

Best thing is, even though we are open about it, we are still close. Cause like you know normally ppl will awkward one! So Ya. We are not really awkward. And none of us want to lose each other, none of us want to end this friendship. 

Yes I just got friendzone, but what matters the most now is, we know we are still in each other's world, we know we are in each other's heart, we know there is someone who is afraid to lose you. That's what makes me happy. That's what make me treasure this friendship more than anything. That's what keep my life going. 

Such a friend is a keeper, even though she has hurt me deeply. But I know at the same time, she is also guilty for hurting me, but there is nth she can do. I don't blame her. Cause normally, such thing happen, the person would have run away and avoid and ruin the friendship. But she choose not to. She stay on and she is more determine to keep this friendship than me. Thank you! I know this friendship are meant to be forever! 

I'm glad I have stop crying and tearing over it. Ok not exactly totally stop. Like it's been 2 days since I stop crying during bath and crying myself to sleep, cause those two are the only time when I can cry with ease without anyone knowing. But that doesn't mean I am over it. But I have no idea why I stop. And I start to wonder is it cause I have no more tears or is it cause I have no idea how to cry anymore or I have immune to it!? Many reasons just start forming... But I don't think so leh. Like cause sometime when I watch show or anything that reminds me of you or losing you, I instance teared. It's a mystery. But I am definitely sure I am not over it cause now I have come a stage where I start wondering a lot of things and start thinking of all the things I wanted to ask you and tell you and chat with you. I start wondering...

How are you? 

What are you doing right now?

Hope you are coping well in your filming, projects and assignments

Are you happy? 

I miss you...

Every seconds...

But I don't dare to tell you all this for the time being. And one day if I ever break my promise to you and end it, forgive me. I'm sorry for not being able to keep that one simple promise. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to accept it. But apologizing has become useless after using it for so many times. 

I'm sick of acting 

I'm sick of wearing a mask

I'm tired of faking smile 

Ever since that day, I have been like this. 

I don't even know what am I exactly feeling anymore.

I don't know if my smile and laughter is real or fake

I have no idea if I've ever felt happy for the past 1 month

I don't even know when am I acting and when am I not

For no reason, my emotions can just change within 1 second

I'm sad

I'm disappointed

I'm scared

I'm afraid of losing you 

I'm lost

I feel lonely 

I feel left out 

I feel like no one cares anymore

I feel trap 

I overthink

I came up with lots of scary storyline that might happen. 

Even though it's kind of drama and unrealistic. 

I become more sensitive 

I become more emotional 

I become more mature and childish at the same time

I'm not strong anymore. 

I've become very weak to handle any feeling stuff

I've change to someone I don't know 

I've change to a complete different person I use to be 3 years ago

I've been thinking 

When will Grim Reaper take me away

What has God prepare for me?

Where will I end up at the end of my life?

Who and why am I living for?

How will my life end?

Are all those things worth it?

And yes I've been thinking about that thing again when I told myself not to. 

Both decisions are torture to me

I've no longer know what is the right things to do 

Ive no longer know what is happiness 

Dedicating this post(more like a long long message) to a very special and important friend of mine who really went through thick and thin together with me just to maintain our friendship. I will never forget how our friendship started (even though I forget when it started hahahaha!) it all started on Twitter and because of the drama, InTimeWithYou aka 我可能不会爱你, that we started talking, how unique is that. Hahaha

We went through lots of unpleasant quarrel, more like cold war, with each other, but I am glad we always manage to talk things out after every 'cold war' but one thing I don't like, is through text, everytime. Ok not really everytime, except for that one time. Somehow I find that our friendship has grown stronger. It's because of all this cold war and talking things out, makes me treasure you and our friendship even more. Cause I believe, despite so many cold wars, our friendship can still be so close and strong, it means something. God must be telling us don't ever lose each other in our life. God bring us together for a reason. (Hey! I am not Christian but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God ;) hahahahaha!) and you are my very first friend that happen such thing with me. I know I say this a lot of time liao. Hahaha. It's not really a good thing for such thing to happen but it always end with a happy ending, so it's kind of a good memorable memories. Hahaha!

I just want to thank you for everything you have did for me. Thanks for understanding me and tolerating my bad temper towards you. I am sorry for hurting and disappointing you time and time again. I feel damn guilty for making you cry too. I am not sure if you have read all my posts but ya I did think of ending this friendship a lot of times before and I mention a few times in my previous few posts too. yes it's stupid of me to think that way after what we have gone through together. But please bear with me cause even i myself have no idea when I will start getting piss again and start thinking of ending it again. I am trying my best to control my temper and thoughts now, especially towards you. I am sorry for that. :( 

I hope you are not uncomfortable with what I am going to say after this. So here it goes. Reason why I easily get angry by you, maybe is cause I like you, then I expect more from you compare to the rest. But that's unfair to you. But yeah, I trying my best to let go of my feelings towards you ah. But like I said, during this period of time, sometime I might start ignoring or avoiding you. Please give me more time, I really dk how long it will takes, definitely not days or weeks, it will most probably be months and maybe even years. But it's easy to cool me down, just come and talk to me or text me. Hahaha Aiya I say before le mah. I damn easily feel insecure but I also damn easily feel secure right after you all talk to me hahaha lame right, me!😂 

if you are uncomfortable or sad or disappointed or anything with any of my action towards you, like you feel uncomfortable with me hugging you, please tell me. I dw you to keep it to yourself just cause you scared I will get hurt with what you gonna say. It's alright one, I can take it one. :) so ya! I wanna thank you for being ok with me despite you know that I like you. Gamsia!!!🙆

There might be something you all didn't know. But I am just gonna say it anyway, don't be surprise. Basically you guys are kind of like my life saver. Cause I did think of ending my life before, like I even planned it out before. That's why that time on Whatsapp chat I got ask before something like 'if I die, what would you all do'. Cause I have been struggling with family, friends and my coming out story to my family. I am afraid they can't accept me, I am afraid I won't be able to find my that special one (yes I sound despo to get into a r/s, don't judge me). I feel stress sometime with my parents, especially with my dad, that's why I didn't like going home. Well recently I just rage at my dad and say stop making me so stress. Hahaha I have no idea how I got that courage. What makes me stop the idea of ending my life, is you guys, my dear friends, who I never want to let go of in my life. Thank you! So ya, a lot of things going on. Maybe that's why my temper become worst this year.

So if you ever wonder if one day I will end our friendship, I don't think it will ever happen, cause I have no courage to lose you even as a friend. Losing you is like losing part of me, sometime you know me better than I know myself too. I need you in my life.(ok it sound cheesy >< hahaha) it's really a long naggy post so gonna stop here and thanks for taking the time to read it. I Love You! 我miss你! I am grateful to have you in my life.

Wearing a mask is not easy. Controlling is hard. I don't want to show my sad and piss off side, cause it's no use, it doesn't make a difference. Inside hurting like shit, outside happy go lucky. How pathetic my life is. Control my anger to not cry is like choking myself to near death. What's the point of crying, showing ppl I am useless piece of shit, that know nothing, only know how to cry. People might pity me for like a few days, after that find me annoying piece of shit. So it's best to stop. 

Since i can't perform, why am I still staying in voices? For what? For them? Or for at least her? Why? I can't even spend time with them since they so busy. I have no guts to stay with them when they practicing too, since I am so useless that I might teared when I hear them sing cause I am piss that I got left out when we promise to perform together.

Yes I feel left out! Yes I feel someone has taken over me! Yes I feel that I am not important to them anymore. Yes I feel that they doesnt care for me anymore. Wait they have never really care for me before unless someone or at least me, told them what I going through and I need them. I hardly see them auto come comfort me when they saw or know I am emo. Or maybe never. its easy to cheer me up, just come and find me and give me a tight hug and don't let go. its ok if you all dk how to comfort me. I just need the sense of security and know you all are always there for me, or at least you. I dk. I just feel insecure in this friendship. I alr give up hoping for that to happen. Yes I am piss that I am not treated fairly. Yes I am jealous that they can perform and i have no song. Yes I am sick of being backing. 

After all this years of commitment, what do I get? 2 freaking rotating lead which only get like 1/5 of lead. and that bastard still dare compare me with other year 3 when I join in year 1 while he join in year 2, I got rotating lead while he got one full song for duet, then say he deserve to have lead more than me. is this even fair to me. just to be clear, I am not mad at other year 3, cause he really deserve a lead, but I don't see why he deserve more than me, I am just piss with how the bastard do things to ruin the voices bond. but at the end none of us got lead. he got replace by freshie for his lead. Yes I want to perform with them badly. I just want fairness among everyone. Yes i feel damn fucking unfair if I am to do backing for freshie, cause you never know, they might be the next few who got lead then zao and never come back. So commitment over quality rule is bullshit. Just cause they are lead quality doesn't mean they can be thrown a lead and not focus on their backing when some of their backing is still cmi. And don't say priorities for senior when there is like more than half of the lead is freshie. It's hard to reject when freshie ask me to do their backing cause I dw to bring the issues I have towards them in voices to the personal friendship I had with all the freshies. I dk how to reject it without hurting them too. 

I have never feel so fucking shitty before in my life. I have never want to fucking cry so many times in such a short period of time before. NEVER! I am so fucking weak now, compared to last time. 

And yes I think I have given up trying to fight my lead or rotating lead or anything to do with prelude. No use fighting when there is no song that fit my voice currently, no one that I want to perform with cause all of them got song alr, no song that I can sing nicely, when I can't sing with emotion or sing with diction that at least everyone can accept it. 

I am piss with myself too for not able to control my anger towards her even though we talk things out 2 times alr and she apologizes to me too and she feel Wei nan too. Why can't I just let it go? I keep having the plan to end this friendship. Why? Am I really not that strong enough to keep this friendship. Am I really that fucking weak! Am I another bastard who break the promise too, when I alr promise her I won't leave her life? I don't want to hurt her. 

Basically I am useless. Can't even give myself happiness, how to give others happiness? 

Shall stop here before I really break down Infront of my parent.