I'm sick of acting 

I'm sick of wearing a mask

I'm tired of faking smile 

Ever since that day, I have been like this. 

I don't even know what am I exactly feeling anymore.

I don't know if my smile and laughter is real or fake

I have no idea if I've ever felt happy for the past 1 month

I don't even know when am I acting and when am I not

For no reason, my emotions can just change within 1 second

I'm sad

I'm disappointed

I'm scared

I'm afraid of losing you 

I'm lost

I feel lonely 

I feel left out 

I feel like no one cares anymore

I feel trap 

I overthink

I came up with lots of scary storyline that might happen. 

Even though it's kind of drama and unrealistic. 

I become more sensitive 

I become more emotional 

I become more mature and childish at the same time

I'm not strong anymore. 

I've become very weak to handle any feeling stuff

I've change to someone I don't know 

I've change to a complete different person I use to be 3 years ago

I've been thinking 

When will Grim Reaper take me away

What has God prepare for me?

Where will I end up at the end of my life?

Who and why am I living for?

How will my life end?

Are all those things worth it?

And yes I've been thinking about that thing again when I told myself not to. 

Both decisions are torture to me

I've no longer know what is the right things to do 

Ive no longer know what is happiness 

Dedicating this post(more like a long long message) to a very special and important friend of mine who really went through thick and thin together with me just to maintain our friendship. I will never forget how our friendship started (even though I forget when it started hahahaha!) it all started on Twitter and because of the drama, InTimeWithYou aka 我可能不会爱你, that we started talking, how unique is that. Hahaha

We went through lots of unpleasant quarrel, more like cold war, with each other, but I am glad we always manage to talk things out after every 'cold war' but one thing I don't like, is through text, everytime. Ok not really everytime, except for that one time. Somehow I find that our friendship has grown stronger. It's because of all this cold war and talking things out, makes me treasure you and our friendship even more. Cause I believe, despite so many cold wars, our friendship can still be so close and strong, it means something. God must be telling us don't ever lose each other in our life. God bring us together for a reason. (Hey! I am not Christian but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God ;) hahahahaha!) and you are my very first friend that happen such thing with me. I know I say this a lot of time liao. Hahaha. It's not really a good thing for such thing to happen but it always end with a happy ending, so it's kind of a good memorable memories. Hahaha!

I just want to thank you for everything you have did for me. Thanks for understanding me and tolerating my bad temper towards you. I am sorry for hurting and disappointing you time and time again. I feel damn guilty for making you cry too. I am not sure if you have read all my posts but ya I did think of ending this friendship a lot of times before and I mention a few times in my previous few posts too. yes it's stupid of me to think that way after what we have gone through together. But please bear with me cause even i myself have no idea when I will start getting piss again and start thinking of ending it again. I am trying my best to control my temper and thoughts now, especially towards you. I am sorry for that. :( 

I hope you are not uncomfortable with what I am going to say after this. So here it goes. Reason why I easily get angry by you, maybe is cause I like you, then I expect more from you compare to the rest. But that's unfair to you. But yeah, I trying my best to let go of my feelings towards you ah. But like I said, during this period of time, sometime I might start ignoring or avoiding you. Please give me more time, I really dk how long it will takes, definitely not days or weeks, it will most probably be months and maybe even years. But it's easy to cool me down, just come and talk to me or text me. Hahaha Aiya I say before le mah. I damn easily feel insecure but I also damn easily feel secure right after you all talk to me hahaha lame right, me!😂 

if you are uncomfortable or sad or disappointed or anything with any of my action towards you, like you feel uncomfortable with me hugging you, please tell me. I dw you to keep it to yourself just cause you scared I will get hurt with what you gonna say. It's alright one, I can take it one. :) so ya! I wanna thank you for being ok with me despite you know that I like you. Gamsia!!!🙆

There might be something you all didn't know. But I am just gonna say it anyway, don't be surprise. Basically you guys are kind of like my life saver. Cause I did think of ending my life before, like I even planned it out before. That's why that time on Whatsapp chat I got ask before something like 'if I die, what would you all do'. Cause I have been struggling with family, friends and my coming out story to my family. I am afraid they can't accept me, I am afraid I won't be able to find my that special one (yes I sound despo to get into a r/s, don't judge me). I feel stress sometime with my parents, especially with my dad, that's why I didn't like going home. Well recently I just rage at my dad and say stop making me so stress. Hahaha I have no idea how I got that courage. What makes me stop the idea of ending my life, is you guys, my dear friends, who I never want to let go of in my life. Thank you! So ya, a lot of things going on. Maybe that's why my temper become worst this year.

So if you ever wonder if one day I will end our friendship, I don't think it will ever happen, cause I have no courage to lose you even as a friend. Losing you is like losing part of me, sometime you know me better than I know myself too. I need you in my life.(ok it sound cheesy >< hahaha) it's really a long naggy post so gonna stop here and thanks for taking the time to read it. I Love You! 我miss你! I am grateful to have you in my life.

Wearing a mask is not easy. Controlling is hard. I don't want to show my sad and piss off side, cause it's no use, it doesn't make a difference. Inside hurting like shit, outside happy go lucky. How pathetic my life is. Control my anger to not cry is like choking myself to near death. What's the point of crying, showing ppl I am useless piece of shit, that know nothing, only know how to cry. People might pity me for like a few days, after that find me annoying piece of shit. So it's best to stop. 

Since i can't perform, why am I still staying in voices? For what? For them? Or for at least her? Why? I can't even spend time with them since they so busy. I have no guts to stay with them when they practicing too, since I am so useless that I might teared when I hear them sing cause I am piss that I got left out when we promise to perform together.

Yes I feel left out! Yes I feel someone has taken over me! Yes I feel that I am not important to them anymore. Yes I feel that they doesnt care for me anymore. Wait they have never really care for me before unless someone or at least me, told them what I going through and I need them. I hardly see them auto come comfort me when they saw or know I am emo. Or maybe never. its easy to cheer me up, just come and find me and give me a tight hug and don't let go. its ok if you all dk how to comfort me. I just need the sense of security and know you all are always there for me, or at least you. I dk. I just feel insecure in this friendship. I alr give up hoping for that to happen. Yes I am piss that I am not treated fairly. Yes I am jealous that they can perform and i have no song. Yes I am sick of being backing. 

After all this years of commitment, what do I get? 2 freaking rotating lead which only get like 1/5 of lead. and that bastard still dare compare me with other year 3 when I join in year 1 while he join in year 2, I got rotating lead while he got one full song for duet, then say he deserve to have lead more than me. is this even fair to me. just to be clear, I am not mad at other year 3, cause he really deserve a lead, but I don't see why he deserve more than me, I am just piss with how the bastard do things to ruin the voices bond. but at the end none of us got lead. he got replace by freshie for his lead. Yes I want to perform with them badly. I just want fairness among everyone. Yes i feel damn fucking unfair if I am to do backing for freshie, cause you never know, they might be the next few who got lead then zao and never come back. So commitment over quality rule is bullshit. Just cause they are lead quality doesn't mean they can be thrown a lead and not focus on their backing when some of their backing is still cmi. And don't say priorities for senior when there is like more than half of the lead is freshie. It's hard to reject when freshie ask me to do their backing cause I dw to bring the issues I have towards them in voices to the personal friendship I had with all the freshies. I dk how to reject it without hurting them too. 

I have never feel so fucking shitty before in my life. I have never want to fucking cry so many times in such a short period of time before. NEVER! I am so fucking weak now, compared to last time. 

And yes I think I have given up trying to fight my lead or rotating lead or anything to do with prelude. No use fighting when there is no song that fit my voice currently, no one that I want to perform with cause all of them got song alr, no song that I can sing nicely, when I can't sing with emotion or sing with diction that at least everyone can accept it. 

I am piss with myself too for not able to control my anger towards her even though we talk things out 2 times alr and she apologizes to me too and she feel Wei nan too. Why can't I just let it go? I keep having the plan to end this friendship. Why? Am I really not that strong enough to keep this friendship. Am I really that fucking weak! Am I another bastard who break the promise too, when I alr promise her I won't leave her life? I don't want to hurt her. 

Basically I am useless. Can't even give myself happiness, how to give others happiness? 

Shall stop here before I really break down Infront of my parent.

So what is my newly obsession that I mention in my previous post? If you follow me on twitter and instagram, you will most probably know who is my newly obsession. Wait! Is it even a newly obsession? Cause like I have never really been so obsess with someone before. Maybe lauren but that's not really an obsession to me. So anyway, my obsession now is............... KRYSTAL JUNG SOO JUNG!!!😍😍😍 yes! I am freaking in love with her. I totally love her personalities once I start watching Jessica and Krystal show. And that's when I realized she is pretty too, but that didn't really catch my attention previously. I actually saw her on tv before but I didn't realized how beautiful she is. So that's when I realized I will only fall for a person through their personalities nia and not the look. Like the person I like now, I starting didn't even notice her. I only start have feeling for her when we got closer and her personalities is the one that caught my attention then I will start realized how beautiful she is.

Anyway the main thing I want talk about today is SOOJUNG AH! Hehehehe! Is like she have a mixture of cool, cute, sexy, hot and shy style. Is like she got everything. She was in a kpop group call f(x) but honestly I don't really like the group cause their song is not my style, I only like Krystal. >< I like their dance move though. and she is 11 months and 16 days older than me. We have the same height and both of us don't really like the colour pink too. And both of us have those tomboyish style. Hahaha! I actually went to look up on her profile and realized we have quite a lot of things in common. :) 

What really caught my attention is I saw my previous crush in her. Is like the way they act sometime is really similar. Especially the part when their face have no expression then someone suddenly ask them a question then their reaction is those shy shy reaction like using their hair to block their face. Which is really cute to be honest. But I am not saying that I still have feelings for her. Just I feel that she is actually my first love even though I like someone before that. She is someone I would never forget I guess. Like the feelings I had for her. Both of them give me a feel that they need someone that they can really rely on and love them for who they are. And ya I am a person who love it when i know someone want to rely on me and need me in their life. 

Tbh I sometime feel that I really have feelings for Krystal like I get jealous quite easily when ppl pair her up with other ppl or she like very close to other ppl. Hahahaha quite stupid ah. She doesn't even know me.😂 then when she cry, all I want was to be the one there for her and hug her and comfort her. Ok but all this thing are too far. Like pls! Me and Krystal will never happen. Hahahaha basically she is just gorgeous. I don't even think I will stop falling in love with her. And and and I damn angry when ppl say negative things about her. Like recently I came across an article they say she is rude. Like walao. No she isn't! Is just that she is still young and when you are tired of course you will give those disinterested face. U can't just anyhow say she is rude! You guys are too much!😡

So recently I have been thinking, why am I suddenly so obsess with someone which I never did before. Like this is quite weird. And I start to think, is it because I trying to run away and avoid the problems I have now. Is like I trying to focus all my attention on SooJung and trying to forget my feelings for the person I like now. And I realized I start to ignore whatsapp group chat sometime and only reply when I feel like, which I never really ignore whatsapp chat last time. Kind of mia I guess. Or am I trying to make her jealous and miss me and hoping she will start have feelings for me? Ok this is bullshit. See start to overthink again. But I really think my obsesssion for SooJung is just to avoid problems. If I really did, I am sorry SooJung. But I really love you now! You are totally awesome and gorgeous and beautiful. I just hope my obsession for you will last forever and hoping I can meet and know you in real life. And if possible, become friends. Hehehehehe! I LOVE YOU SOOJUNG!<3

Is god trying to tell me something? why everytime i have made up my mind to end this friendship, she will start doing action to make me feel like she still treasure me as an important friend then some of her action will sometime make me overthink again. like that time when i heard she want to do 'Boy' by little mix without me, to be honest, i was so frustrated. is like we before that already say we want to perform together and that is like a 'promise' to me. but she break it. maybe thats not a promise to her. i dont know. i just feel damn disappointed with her and this is not the first time. there is quite a few incident. but mostly is because of my overly jealousy. and since then i have no feel to go for practices anymore. even until now was quite sian of practices too.

but then the practice right after i made that decision of ending it, she and another friend ran over to hug me once they saw me in school, cause they miss me. its been 1 week since we last met. ok 1 week is not very long, but maybe cause i kind of mia since i am on intern then during sch time before i go intern, we meet up quite often, so ya. anyway what i want to say is that, its the first time she actually ran to hug me once she saw me, then my frustration and disappointment all gone. i am quite surprise and touched by their action. for a moment i feel that i am important in their life, especially when it comes to talk about hers. but still i feel sian cause most probably cant get to perform with the 2 of them i guess. 

then the next day, she did something that makes me feel even more love from her again. she meet me after my work at BV mrt station then go practices together cause she went city to watch movie. but that's not the main thing. main thing is she texted me '下班了吗宝贝' right after i end work. that day after work, i was quite shag alr cause i have quite a lot of things to do during office hour and the moment i saw that text, i just cant stop smiling. it feels great to have someone waiting for you to end work, especially when the person waiting for you is so important in your life. and yes she is by far one of the most important person my life. and i cant imagine what would happen if our friendship end, which i actually thought of ending it before. anyway that day was actually quite a smooth and good day for me. boss praise my work and my speed of work and it rain almost the whole day except for my lunch time and after work, which is when i have to leave office and there is no shelter, and the bus driver actually wait for me when i am quite a distance away from the bus stop and a sweet text from her and go to sch with her. i must say that is really the best day i had since holiday. and i tweeted the text msg and she reply 'HAHA miss ni ma', which make me even more touched.
For now things seem going well between me and her and all i hope now is, our friendship remain like this and i just dont wish to start getting overly jealous then start getting angry and disappointed in her then start giving her attitudes then when she feel and know i am angry with her, we have to talk things out and worst through text somemore, which i hate. and most of the time is she came and ask me is it i angry with her. i just dont want her to feel upset and trouble by what i feel, cause i will feel like its too selfish for feeling this way when we are not even together. and i realized i have been trying to avoid all this thing by getting obsess with something. more like someone. i will talk about it the next post. so thats all for today. thanks my dear blog. :)

Why have I become like that? Why have I become so emotional. Why is my temper back again. I told myself I am not gonna hurt her again. But I did it again. I try to control but I fail. Whenever I piss off I try to walk away quietly but this makes me treat her coldly and she can sense it then she will start feeling sad I guess. Past few days all I think about was what I did to her and I feel guilty for it. It's the first time I actually cry with anger and disappointment. The tears just uncontrollably flow down. I have never been like that. Yes I cry for other ppl before but it's not as worst as this. I hate who I have become. I thought avoiding and ignoring might help, but no, it got worst. I have fallen deeper, way too deep.   And all I can think of now is leave and disappear for a period of time. And just nice now is intern, I can take this period of time to settle myself down. I wish I could tell her all the truth. But I just don't have the courage. I want to leave and forget this feeling but I scared it will ruin the friendship and scared it will never be the same when I come back. And when I say leave is really forget everything over here which Include not performing for prelude. Cause if I perform I only want to perform with her and a few of them. But if I continue to stay where I am now, things might get worst or maybe I might even ruin this friendship forever. Throughout my whole life, I have never want to lose someone so badly before. I know what I am doing now is causing her trouble. I am sorry for that. So leaving will be the best choice for now. I know I promise I won't leave your life before but I am sorry I have to break the promise for a period of time. I don't want to hurt anymore people. People who know this problem is most probably sick of it, even myself. It's for the best. I type so much but do I have to courage to tell her? do I have to courage to lose her for this period of time. How am I gonna tell her? 

So opposite of what happen for the past few days happen today. Is like she know that I am jealous of them. Is like someone told her about it or maybe she can sense it. Or maybe she read my blog. 😱 which I doubt so bah. I just find it weird. Is like the moment she enter classroom, not long later, she ask me if I want to play the computer games with her, which normally when they play, I was alone at the side cause I was quite piss off until I don't bother joining them. But I need study so I say no, Then say later then play. Then she say 'I study with you' then I am like study with me? Then she say 'I go sit beside you, sit alone like so lonely'. Around like that lah. I forget what she say exactly. And she really move beside me. I was quite shock about it but of course I can't deny the fact that I am happy what had just happen. But it's really too weird. Like a sudden attitude change towards me. Ok maybe that's not call attitude. I forget what's that call. And I have no idea why we today like seems a lot more closer than the past few days. We spend like almost 2 hours I guess, on watching YouTube videos. Suppose to study but since we done with what we suppose to study today, so ya lepak time. Hahaha 

I was quite happy today. Cause of how she treated me. But I still cannot control my jealousy when I see her and the guys so close. I try. I just don't like how one of them like care for her so much. Is like too overly care. Like treating her like girlfriend like that. I don't like how he talks to her. I feel like he is flirting her. But then again that's him, maybe that is just him, that's how he treat his friend. And also don't forget he like her too, so confirm will care for her more than other friends one. So what can I do. Nothing. She is not mine, I have no rights to do anything at all. What I have to do is, get rid of my feelings for her. I need to stop being so overly jealous. It's killing me and might trouble my friends too. I want to put this to an end but at the same time keep this important friendship. This is really hard. But I believe one day, I will overcome this. I am really afraid to lose her in my life even as a friend. 

Now is study week and I have never thought that studying with Ohana in sch will be so much productive than me studying alone at home. Cause studying at home, mum will be on tv which will most probably distract me. And in sch when I saw all of them so hardcore studying, I somehow got the feel to study too. And that's how productive I have been the past 3 days. So the pass 2 days we have been meeting earlier than usual school time to meet for breakfast. Mon only meet for lunch, tues meet for Mac breakfast at 7am, and wed which is today, meet for breakfast at munch at 8am plus. Honestly I was quite surprise with myself. Cause I normally will late for class even though my class is at 9am. But meeting them in the morning kind of motivate me to wake up and be on time. Tues morning I even wake up earlier than the alarm clock. Wow! Ohana must be so important to me, that I feel so motivated to wake up early and study with them. 

So things happen this 2 days. My overly jealousy is killing me again. I hate how close she is with the 2 of them. Is like she seem more close to them than to me. But people always say she closer to me  than the rest. But that's not what I see. I hate how she private message them individually. I hate how she seems more happy when playing with them. I hate how she seems to have more fun when with them. So during this 2 days of studying, they have so much fun playing some computer games and I have to tolerate it at the side. If you know me well, you will know that I hate noisy place when I am in a bad mood. So is like they were having so much fun and of course will start screaming all this lah, it's really irritated me. Then I really almost break down, actually alr break down, cause got tears flowing down due to my stupid over jealousy. I just went out of the classroom to cool down. Tues I went out for like 30mins? And wed(today) I went out for more than 1 hours. Cause I really cannot. I am really boiling. I actually walk like one round around munch block and one round around BLK 56. Then stand at the pond near BLK 56, watching the tortoise and fishes. Somehow it kind of calm me down. Surprisingly. Then I am like why can't I be like those fishes so carefree, swimming around like no one business. So I manage to walk in with a calm down mind. But not long I piss off again. Cause he is sitting one seats away fr her when he actually nt sitting there. I am like. Why cant u go back sit. I know u like her lah. But why must u sit beside her. WHY! But luckily, one of my group chat convo and Yimin and Siew chat is very funny so it kind of make me smile and laugh a little. So once again I calm down. So ya... This is what actually kind of happen.

I don't blame anyone I have mention for this. I blame myself. Cause like very stupid. Is like it's been so long, nothing is done to it, then I myself suffer silently there. I know it's my own problem and I clearly know I am avoiding this problem. I run away from it instead of trying to solve it. But the problem is how to solve? Talk things out with her? Which will most probably affect our friendship. And I know a lot of ppl is getting annoyed by my problem, well yeah it's obv enough cause I was annoyed by it too. So ya I choose to run away fr this problem and suffer alone by myself. I don't want pull anyone in. At most I will only complain to Yimin and siew about it. That's all. But somehow this problem must be solve. So I have decided I shall use my intern period to have some reflection on this matter since I will hardly meet any of them, which might be a good thing. Hopefully I will solve this problem ASAP.

So someone told me not to care about her. Totally just treat her as normal friend. But I cannot cause I clearly know that if I don't care about her, I will most probably ignore her. Like really ignore, which will most probably put an end to this friendship. But both of us doesn't want to lose each other, cause we have talk about it before. We were afraid of losing each other. Yes maybe that's why ppl say we two seems very close. But what I feel is that, why she treat me differently compare to the rest. Like I am not important like that. Then sometime her action to me is like I got chance. But no I don't have. :/ stop having this stupid hope! haize... Ok I rant enough for the day. Even though after ranting I didn't really calm down, but still thanks blog! :)